Small Circle, Big Circle, Dots...Control??

Imaginary Cyberspace Friend, I have a serious question for you. Do you ever feel like you are going along in life, when you suddenly look around and everything seems to be spiraling out of control? I feel that way right now. It is almost like I was not present in my life for a few months and suddenly, I check back in and whoa! What happened????? I feel like I need to make this right. At least what I can. I had this fantastic conversation with my trainer, Joey, a couple of months ago about control in my life. I had just come from a completely terrible week (it was the first week of December) and I knew I hadn't done everything I could for that week's training session. I was still struggling with a "friend", and I didn't quite know how I was going to even afford my pitiful life anymore. But I came in to the gym wanting to work. Joey was having a bad morning. I could tell this. I was having an even worse one. I tell him how my week went and it was just like something snapped. He storms over to get this harness thing and he's going to make me do sprints (which are completely terrible as I found out one week when I actually requested them). I look at the harness and just burst into tears. Now, if you know the relationship Joey and I have, it is not one of tears, unless they are included in the blood, sweat and tears statement. We laugh...a lot. So, when I started crying, he knew immediately that something was really wrong. He pulled me over to the trainer's cubicles and asked what was wrong. I told him I felt my life was out of control. Every single part of it. Well, we talked a bit more about it. Joey is LDS, so he pulled from his mission experiences and then he drew a small circle on a piece of paper. He drew a larger circle outside of the small circle. I looked at it for a moment, confused. Then, he started putting dots in the circles. Lots of dots. I gave him the "I have no idea what you are doing" look. See the small circle? he says. Yes. This is what you can control in your life. See the big circle outside that? Yes. That is everything that effects your life that you have no control over. I take and look at the paper. This simple illustration of my life. We talk about the big picture. You know, it's good to talk about the big picture every once in a while. It puts the small, insignificant moments in perspective. For example, my parents, in my later teen years and early twenties were very gung ho about being out of debt, having a savings and an emergency fund. This was very ingrained in me, and so, when I decided to move down to Utah and incurred debt because of it, I felt like I was a complete failure in that aspect. I thought I was better than that. And in the big picture, I am. But for this moment in my life, in order to live, I had to. Granted, there were things I should have cut back on, as I think everyone can attest to, but once I had this talk with Joey and realized that the money part of my life was in my small circle, I set about to do something about it. As of today, I have my full emergency fund back in place and am hacking away at that debt that wants to consume me (really it's not too bad....).

I hung that picture up on my refrigerator. I'm looking at it right now. So, why do I feel like my life has been out of control lately? Well, if you've read my last few blog posts, you would know. It has felt like any control over my dating life has been taken over by not only others, but by my almost uncontrollable desire to be with someone. To have companionship. Now, this is completely normal. The human race would not continue to exist and thrive if humans didn't want to be with each other, but when it feels like I have no control over it, that's when it gets bad. I'm looking at this circle and I have to admit that dating has to straddle the lines. There are parts I have control over and there are parts that influence my life, yet I can't do anything about them. For example, I can control who I decide to date. I cannot control if they want to date me. I can control my actions on the date. I cannot control if he will. I cannot control the fact that I like him and he has no interest in me. I can control my reaction to it. When it comes to dating, the dots fall on both sides. I don't think I was getting this concept this past month. I wanted all my dots to fall in the little circle. Maybe it was a little pompous (okay, it was) to assume that I would get whatever I wanted when it came to, well...what I wanted. I accept that. I am humbled by that. And on that note, I have to make some things right when it comes to my concept of men in general. The last blog entry, I was all geared up to expose just how shady, perverse and sometimes just plain dumb online dating was. And while it is sometimes, for the most part, I have to grudgingly admit that most of the guys I've met have been pretty decent. If I look for the bad...I will find it. No doubt. I proved that on the one day I did research. But if I look for the good, I will also find it. I have to believe that. Taking a moment right there...I do believe that. My mother raised me to respect the good man and treat him like he is a great man...because that's usually what he is when given the chance, love and support. And one day, I will find that good man and treat him like the great man I know he is. I guarantee you that.