Sunday, February 26, 2012

Small Circle, Big Circle, Dots...Control??

Imaginary Cyberspace Friend, I have a serious question for you. Do you ever feel like you are going along in life, when you suddenly look around and everything seems to be spiraling out of control? I feel that way right now. It is almost like I was not present in my life for a few months and suddenly, I check back in and whoa! What happened????? I feel like I need to make this right. At least what I can. I had this fantastic conversation with my trainer, Joey, a couple of months ago about control in my life. I had just come from a completely terrible week (it was the first week of December) and I knew I hadn't done everything I could for that week's training session. I was still struggling with a "friend", and I didn't quite know how I was going to even afford my pitiful life anymore. But I came in to the gym wanting to work. Joey was having a bad morning. I could tell this. I was having an even worse one. I tell him how my week went and it was just like something snapped. He storms over to get this harness thing and he's going to make me do sprints (which are completely terrible as I found out one week when I actually requested them). I look at the harness and just burst into tears. Now, if you know the relationship Joey and I have, it is not one of tears, unless they are included in the blood, sweat and tears statement. We laugh...a lot. So, when I started crying, he knew immediately that something was really wrong. He pulled me over to the trainer's cubicles and asked what was wrong. I told him I felt my life was out of control. Every single part of it. Well, we talked a bit more about it. Joey is LDS, so he pulled from his mission experiences and then he drew a small circle on a piece of paper. He drew a larger circle outside of the small circle. I looked at it for a moment, confused. Then, he started putting dots in the circles. Lots of dots. I gave him the "I have no idea what you are doing" look. See the small circle? he says. Yes. This is what you can control in your life. See the big circle outside that? Yes. That is everything that effects your life that you have no control over. I take and look at the paper. This simple illustration of my life. We talk about the big picture. You know, it's good to talk about the big picture every once in a while. It puts the small, insignificant moments in perspective. For example, my parents, in my later teen years and early twenties were very gung ho about being out of debt, having a savings and an emergency fund. This was very ingrained in me, and so, when I decided to move down to Utah and incurred debt because of it, I felt like I was a complete failure in that aspect. I thought I was better than that. And in the big picture, I am. But for this moment in my life, in order to live, I had to. Granted, there were things I should have cut back on, as I think everyone can attest to, but once I had this talk with Joey and realized that the money part of my life was in my small circle, I set about to do something about it. As of today, I have my full emergency fund back in place and am hacking away at that debt that wants to consume me (really it's not too bad....).

I hung that picture up on my refrigerator. I'm looking at it right now. So, why do I feel like my life has been out of control lately? Well, if you've read my last few blog posts, you would know. It has felt like any control over my dating life has been taken over by not only others, but by my almost uncontrollable desire to be with someone. To have companionship. Now, this is completely normal. The human race would not continue to exist and thrive if humans didn't want to be with each other, but when it feels like I have no control over it, that's when it gets bad. I'm looking at this circle and I have to admit that dating has to straddle the lines. There are parts I have control over and there are parts that influence my life, yet I can't do anything about them. For example, I can control who I decide to date. I cannot control if they want to date me. I can control my actions on the date. I cannot control if he will. I cannot control the fact that I like him and he has no interest in me. I can control my reaction to it. When it comes to dating, the dots fall on both sides. I don't think I was getting this concept this past month. I wanted all my dots to fall in the little circle. Maybe it was a little pompous (okay, it was) to assume that I would get whatever I wanted when it came to, well...what I wanted. I accept that. I am humbled by that. And on that note, I have to make some things right when it comes to my concept of men in general. The last blog entry, I was all geared up to expose just how shady, perverse and sometimes just plain dumb online dating was. And while it is sometimes, for the most part, I have to grudgingly admit that most of the guys I've met have been pretty decent. If I look for the bad...I will find it. No doubt. I proved that on the one day I did research. But if I look for the good, I will also find it. I have to believe that. Taking a moment right there...I do believe that. My mother raised me to respect the good man and treat him like he is a great man...because that's usually what he is when given the chance, love and support. And one day, I will find that good man and treat him like the great man I know he is. I guarantee you that.


Thursday, February 23, 2012

It Comes in Threes

So, I was really hoping that it would be third time's a charm instead of bad things happen in threes. Really, I had great hope (well, it might have been squished way down by the overwhelming certainty that it would be the latter). I'm pretty sure that I hate...loathe ldsplanet. I haven't met one good person there. I have 54 messages from less than one month of being on this site. 54. I decided to go out with three of them. Well, we all know what happened with the first one (see the blog two posts back). The second one just misrepresented himself...and was a complete dunder head (once again...censoring this for my mother). The third one was the only one with potential. Or so I thought. I needed him to help restore some hope. It's really not his fault he was number three, but since he was, he gets the honor of being the one who nailed that last nail in the coffin. Even if he had just come out and told me he wasn't interested, I would have been okay with that. Disappointed, but understanding. I can respect the man who tells me upfront that he's not interested. I'm not left hanging. At all. And I appreciate that. I'm not hurt or angry (okay, maybe when this happened the first time, I was, but I have grown up...sorry Jason).

Well, where does this leave me. Does this leave me with the only option of being alone for the rest of my life? Does this leave me with getting a couple of cats and calling this life good? Hahahaha...I just had the silliest thought. I have become "that woman." The one person I never thought I would be. The woman who has one failed relationship/date after another. I truly thought once I decided to date, I would find the man I could be with, well, forever. But it has been one disaster after another. Hahaha...it really is funny when I think about how boring my teen years and even my twenties were, to think that this is the woman I am today. I am almost to the point where I could write a book about all my dating experiences. I just might. "A Year Online". YES! I am so going to do this. You know I've been wanting to write a book, Imaginary Cyberspace Friend, for quite awhile, but I haven't been able to nail down a topic. I thought I might write a teen book, but I got the first chapter done and stopped. I thought about writing about nutrition, but that can wait until I've been properly schooled. But my dating life. Now, THAT could be interesting. Yes, I am going to do this. I think it will be cathartic for me. And maybe by the end, I'll have some nice cats to keep me company.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Bitter...Alone...Bitter

So, I went out with a guy last night. He had everything I had decided I wanted. He's divorced. A father already. He's older than me. He has a job. A house. Basically, a grown-up. The date went well. Really well. But I have doubt. I have been burned so many times lately that how can I expect anything else? I want to go on a second date, but it seems like whenever I am interested...he's not or visa versa. I was talking with my roommates the other night as we were going out to get ice cream at Ice Berg, and I told them that I still HAD to have hope. If I gave up hope completely, where would that leave me in life? Not a place I want to live, that's for sure. Bitter...alone...bitter. Did I mention bitter? A bitter person is a person I don't want to be around and if I became that person, I would not want to be around myself. But that nagging doubt is still there. Is he going to turn out to be a jerk like the rest? I have hope that he's not, but every encounter with the opposite sex diminishes that hope. Then, there's that whole "I'm not good enough for him" feeling that I'm having. Which, I must admit...is a new feeling. But then again, I have never dated a grown-up before. Even the men who were older than he is right now were not grown-ups. Not really in any sense of that word. Well, I was really concerned about this. Because seriously this new feeling/insecurity is something I do not need! So, I took it to God. I told Him that I didn't feel like I deserved someone or something like that. I don't always live my life perfectly (duh! This is not the time to BE perfect!). And as I was praying, I just felt my heart drop further and further realizing that no matter what I did, nothing would work (yes, I know that probably doesn't make much sense, but it is how I legitimately felt). I decided to do yoga then. I needed the meditation just to calm this feeling of not being good enough. And I wasn't just feeling not good enough about my date at this point. He was (almost) secondary. I go about doing yoga and I can feel my heart and mind calming down as I breath in and out, move and stretch my body. Suddenly, I look over to my book, Divine Signatures by Gerald Lund. I pick it up and open to the next chapter I'm going to read. And this was right there:

Some individuals...may discount or dismiss in their personal lives the availability of the tender mercies of the Lord, believing that "I certainly am not one who has been or ever will be chosen." We may falsely think that such blessings and gifts are reserved for other people who appear to be more righteous or who serve in visible Church callings. I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and the the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us.... Each of us can have eyes to see clearly and ears to hear distinctly the tender mercies of the Lord as they strengthen and assist us in these latter days. -David A. Bednar

I know there are so many people out there who do not feel good enough. People in all sorts of professions, and in every sort of circumstance in life. Satan is there to reinforce this whenever he can. This is not the life to be perfect in. This is the life to prove that we are good enough. God already knows this about us. He does. When we feel we are good enough, I think we will treat others like they are good enough. This goes back to the bitterness that I could allow in my life. It would be easy to be consumed by it. To count up all the wrongs that have been built up against me, but I refuse. I refuse to let my past consume my future. To let past disappointments determine future happiness. And there will be happiness. Great happiness. I can feel it. Almost touch it. Because the time to be happy is...now.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I Will NOT Be the Woman of Your Dreams

I just got through deleting most of the pictures of me taken by me on facebook. The following story will illustrate why. I had a really bad dating experience these past two weeks. I do online dating because at my age and religion, there's really not much else I can do. Bars aren't an option and as many of my friends have said...who wants to meet their future spouse there? Well, I met online what seemed to be a really nice guy. I will withhold his name for privacy purposes and just call him...Jacob. Well, Jacob popped up on the site I was using to chat with me. There was no picture to go with the words at first, but I thought, what the heck. He told me a little about himself, I did the same. We had a really fun, flirty conversation...talking about beardos (if you don't know what that is, look it up on youtube right now...I'll wait. Now, wasn't that funny?). He then asked for my phone number, which I gave him. He woke me up the next morning with a good morning text. We texted throughout the day and so this continued for a few days. Then, he asked me out. For Saturday. I was really excited because he was going to have to drive a distance to see me. This made me feel special. Oh, so special. So, Saturday comes. I've bought a new outfit and I am looking slamming. Completely amazing. Well, I text him that I'm excited to see him. He texts back that he might be a little late. Ooookay. That's fine. Well, the evening gets progressively later (and thank goodness for a sister named, Melanie to keep me laughing!) and he still can't make it. The evening finally ends without meeting. That's fine. There was actually a pretty good excuse. He then tells me he's coming into town on Thursday-Sunday and he's going to see me then, take me out. I am excited for a few more days. The texting and chatting continues. He is very flattering. He thinks I am the most beautiful creature to walk the earth (or so he says...well, he says I'm really hot, and I guess he did throw in beautiful once or twice). I eat this up. This flattery. It burgeons my ego and for a moment, I do think I'm this beautiful creature. Well, Thursday rolls around and I wake up really excited because I'm finally going to meet this man I've been literally dreaming about. But he's pretty silent throughout the day. I ask if he's on his way to Salt Lake and he texts back a plain, "No." Oh. I ask if he's okay and again, "No." Ooookay. He has another excuse for not being able to come up. This one is more tragic then the last one. I tell him I understand. We video chat that night...our "first date." The next morning, he texts, good morning. Then, he's pretty silent throughout the day. He tells me he is coming up Saturday. I'm not as excited anymore. Saturday morning: I send him a text confirming that he's coming up. He says he yes, he is. Saturday night: He texts that he just rolled into Salt Lake. I am excited again. After work, I text...and text again...and text again. No response. An hour later, he responds back that he can't meet me yet. Ooookay. I ask how late. I ask why. He still has his kids. Alright...how late? No response. Two hours later...I shoot off a rather upset text. No response. I go to bed. The next day we were supposed to officially meet. Nothing. Not even an excuse this time. Three times. I finally heard from him on Monday...with an even bigger excuse. Yeah. No thanks. But being the nice girl that I am (and I was really attracted to him), I actually told him I was sorry for the text I sent on Saturday night. Well, I'm not sorry. Not at all. He's a butt. He pulled my strings like a little puppet master, and I was the willing puppet.

Yeah. No more. No more being an object men can gawk at. No more pretty pictures for them to drool over. They don't deserve them. They don't deserve me. I have come to the conclusion that there are no more good guys out there. And if there are, they are already married or too shy/picky to do anything about it. Oh, wait...if they're too picky, they are not a good guy in my book. So, scratch that off the good guy list. Picky=butt (yes, I am totally censoring this for my mother). And here's just another little tidbit for all you single, never married guys who are not gay over the age of 32...YOU ARE TOO PICKY, this means you are a butt. Get over yourself! Get over that bad advice you got as a kid. Get over the fact that your wife isn't going to be the girl of your dreams (she will probably be better!). And I say again...GET OVER YOURSELF!! Truth be told, you probably AREN'T worth it, but some woman is going to take pity on you and accept your sorry butt for who you are. It's up to you to get your own head out of said butt and accept the fact that what you think you always wanted, ISN'T what you needed.

So, here is my final word to all you men out there. I will not be your object. I will not be your whore. I will not be your arm candy. I will not be just a pretty face. And I most certainly will NOT be the woman of your dreams. I will be better than that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsFCO8-oCEQ&feature=endscreen&NR=1