Monday, June 29, 2009

Weird...but I like it.

Why do we feel the need to connect with other human beings? I have often wondered why the need is stronger in some and not strong in others. I look at some of my acquaintances at church who live for the weekend get together or live for the social experiences. They always have to be on the phone with someone or texting at least (maybe both at once). They always have plans to do something and they always know everything about everyone. I look at them in wonder because I don't have time for that, nor do I have any desire for that. I do not like parties. I don't like to have a group of people over at my apartment all the time because then I would feel the need to feed them and entertain them. I don't hate people, I just don't NEED to know everyone. I have never been a social butterfly and during elementary school and middle school that was a hinderment to me, but I found in high school that a core set of friends was really all I needed. But I did need them.

I now have another sort of core set of friends. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life and there are times I do not know how to deal with it. My best friend is a male and to me that is just weird. I have had plenty of male friends throughout the years, but none have ever encroached upon my core friendships. The males in my life have always been objects of desire or passing friends whom I leave when I leave a place or when they happen to leave. One has never been a best friend. And so, I am trying to fit him into another category because I can't have a male best friend unless he is my best friend AND husband, right? I'm learning that is wrong. And I am learning the hard way. For some reason, I can't seem to accept how things have fallen. I have always been stubborn, in my own way, and this is something I am being stubborn about. The category doesn't fit. He's not a woman! But he is my best friend (and not husband). I need him in my life, but I have to make a new category for him. He is not an object of desire or a passing friend. He has become my core best friend who just happens to be a male. Weird. But I'm learning to like it.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

And My Decision is...

I am still trying to decide the purpose of this blog, whether it is just a general smorgasbord of things (my thoughts on everything) or if it should have some sort of focus (my weight loss journey, or work, or family, or my dismal love life to name a few). I don't know. I hate making decisions. I will do it, but I almost always question whether I made the right one or not. I over think things in almost every aspect of my life. For example, I am thinking, maybe I shouldn't write that because what if someone reads it and it reflects badly on me or they think I can't make decisions or if I tell them I made a decision, they might doubt me because they read I'm even confused and it is in my head. So, I am making a decision to keep that last paragraph in.

On a completely different topic...I love music. I have always loved music and for the most part, I can listen to a song and find some redeeming quality to it, even if it just makes me laugh because it is so bad. I love good music, though. I know a song is good or a singer is good when I lose myself in the song. I find breath almost stopping and I am totally focused on them/it. It is then that I pay attention to the song or singer. If it is a good fast song or hip hop song, I will find myself dancing unconsciously, even if it just my shoulders or feet moving. But for a song to be completely fabulous and to capture my attention longer than a week or month, it has to have two qualities. Number one is message. It has to speak to me and to my circumstances in a lasting way. It can't just be some bubble song about a boy or love (don't get me wrong, I am a sucker for a love song). It doesn't have to be a masterpiece of prose, just words that apply. Second is it has to have some unique quality in the music, that is beautiful. It doesn't have to be a classic song. I am not what you would call a music purist. I think today's artists have just as much right to go down in history as those from decades past. One off the top of my head is Adele. Her lyrics apply to my life (and to life in general) and it is unique as anything.

So, maybe it will be a smorgasbord. I like that. Decision made.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Ode to Wonderful Customers

The day after I posted Peaks and Valleys, I came into work in a badddd mood. I hate being in a bad mood and I was trying everything to get out of it, but nothing was working. I couldn't fake my happiness however much I wanted to and I guess it showed even to the customers. And thank goodness because then I would never have had the 61 year old toothless angel with an accent comment on it. He said, "You look like you want to go home." And I said, "Sorry, does it look that obvious?" Then, we joked about leaving right then and how the "boss lady" wouldn't be too happy and that I really did need my paycheck and such like that. Then, he got this look on his face and became very serious for a moment. He looked at me and said something along the lines of "stay focused, stay on track, be patient, life will get better, stay the course and be happy, I'm 61 and that seems to be working for me." There was more, but what really hit me was the stay the course and stay focused and be patient. I NEEDED to hear that on that day. I just stood there for a moment after he left and thought about it, a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. I looked at Marin, who was standing there with me and said, "wow, I really needed to hear that. He is so correct." And let me tell you why he was correct. I have a quote on my door as I leave my apartment that says, "Nothing good in life comes without hard work...Stay the course." This is a quote by Jillian Michaels, the Biggest Loser trainer and as far as I'm concerned the best course to go if you are going to lose weight (but I am sure we will have another blog on that). I was in my valley at the moment before this gentleman came along looking at the mountains all around me and not knowing where to go! I just felt so tired of climbing! He helped me to start climbing again. When I wanted to give up and admit defeat in every aspect of my life, whether it be love, weight, work or otherwise, my 61 year old toothless angel with an accent was sent to me.

One other thing happened that boosted me out of my valley that day. I was getting ready to leave for the day and decided to do one more thing (it always happens because there is always more to do!). So, I went back out onto the floor and put some reusable totes on the rack as my parting gift to the store. I was walking back to the break room through the Bargain area when a nice man stopped me. I had helped him the day before find and order something for his daughter. I gave my usual excellent customer service and I guess it made an impression on him. He asked if I remembered him and I said, yes, of course, what can I do for you. He asked what my name was again and I held up my name tag and said, "Stefanie." He then said, "Stefanie, I have a couple of questions for you want to go out with me?" I just stared at him and felt the flush reach up and flame my cheeks. I had to tell him no because I don't date customers and I felt really bad about that, but wow. What a shot in the arm. I felt really attractive and awesome after that. And on my way up out of the valley. Man, the mountain air is wonderful...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Peaks and Valleys

Do you ever have those weeks that seem to be perfect examples of peaks and valleys? I'm sure you all must have those because I am assured I cannot be the only one. Visualize day you have climbed this mountain and you can see forever. It is so beautiful up on this mountain. The air is crisp and clear. There are clouds underneath you, white and fluffy, innocent looking. The valley below looks beautiful and so far away. You look back and you see the progress you have made and your heart soars at all of the work you put in to make it to the top. You are the Queen or King of the mountain and nothing will bring you down, until you realize you have already started descending. Because you have already made the decision that you would love to stay on top, you know you cannot stay. So, you start down into that beautiful valley, only as you descend, those innocent clouds start to rain on you, but you have been to the top of the mountain, so a little rain shouldn't irk you. Then, it starts to pour and you are only halfway down the mountain. By the time you get to the valley, it is no longer beautiful and you are wet and miserable. And the view you saw forever with is blocked by the huge mountain in front of you and behind you and on all sides of you.

This happened to me in a matter of 24 hours. I guess I had better start climbing again. Stupid valley.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Ok, so I haven't written anything and it says scooters, vacation, fall at the bottom, so it has nothing to do with what I write. I thought it was smart, but I guess I was wrong.

I just got back from an outing at my mom's house in Prosser. My mom rocks. She constantly amazes me with her perseverance and downright awesomeness. And I know if she reads this she will blush, so that is why I am doing mom, we all love you that much. You know what I found out? My mom and I have about the same amount of talent on the croquet field, with my brother, Matthew coming in a close second. My mother invited my best friend, Jason, and his parents to come to dinner tonight (hence the outing to Prosser) and after dinner, we commenced a nice game of croquet. To make a long story short, Jason's parents smoked us. Jason came in third (participant ribbon for you), Matt fourth (yet another participant ribbon), me and my mom fifth and sixth (yes, another participant ribbon for both of us). It was so much fun and I had no idea that croquet mallets made awesome light sabers...or ab tighteners. Abs of steel, baby...or hard plastic at least. I think only one person on this planet will get that, but that's ok, because that is how I roll.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Why am I doing this?

So, I was reading a blog of my best friend and I decided that blogging sounded like a great idea. Really? Who wants to read random thoughts that I have? But since I have the forum, I might as well take advantage of the situation.

I just got back from Hawaii, where I spent 10 glorious days under the sun, getting repeatedly burned, then tan, then burned, then tan. Now I have skin flaking off of me, but I have a wonderful, glowing tan. Hawaii is wonderful for all of you who have never been there. I never thought a place could capture my heart like it did so fast, but I found, as I was sitting in my hotel room last Friday morning in Portland, that I was sad to be gone...almost depressed as my one of my traveling companions put it. I looked outside at the grey sky and the cold weather and wished I was back. But, life calls.

Speaking of life, here is a little about me and what to expect from these posts. I am 29, single, and a manager in a retail store. You want to know what is funny? On the bottom of this page, it gives "scooters" as a suggestion for a label. I am reading what I have written and I don't get it. Is it an actual scooter? Or is scooter some sort of slang term I should know and you are all getting a good laugh right now. A scooter? And it's the first suggestion. Vacation happens to be the second and fall the third. I get vacation.

That is also something to expect. I ramble...mucho. But that is just the charm of me and that is what will give you thoughts of Stefanie.