Monday, October 17, 2011

If Not...Great

I just got home from a week long vacation to Washington and Oregon last night. I did many cool things, like go to the Oregon coast with just my mom, Leavenworth, hang out with Melanie, go to a Mary Kay party, hang out with Matthew, sleep in the same room as my mother, hang out with Mark, and last, but not least, I got to be a small part of Titus' life. Titus is my two, almost three year old, nephew. He pretty much rocks. This is not what my blog is going to be about, though. I'm actually not sure what my blog is going to be about at this point, so I think I'll keep writing until it focuses onto one thing. I was emailing a friend tonight and at the end, I had a thought: There are certain people in your life, whether they are they for a day, a week, or a lifetime, who, for one reason or another had an impact on your life. Something that you will remember always. Most times, they have no idea what they did, but then my thought expanded to: One day they will know whether in this life or the one to come. They may not have shaped who I am, like my Marques, but they were important to my life. There are so many, I can't remember all of them, but a few come to mind. I won't name names because I don't want this whole jealousy thing going on in my life among my friends/family, but probably each and every one of you that reads this has had some sort of lasting impact on my life.

Next subject: I got my hair cut today. Some of you know that generally signifies something in my life. Usually it's cutting someone or something out of it. Well, I'm not going to say whether today meant anything or not (okay, it did), but I had an interesting conversation with the lady cutting and coloring this head o' mine. I was still deciding whether to grow my hair out or just cut it off when I first walked in there. As the time passed and I was having my pedicure (woohoo), it suddenly occurred to me that the only reason I would have to keep my hair growing long would be to attract more men. I, personally, don't particularly like long hair. I think I look much better with shorter hair, it's healthier on me, and I actually DO my hair if I can't fit it into a ponytail. Coming to this realization, I blurted out, "I want short hair!" She looks up in surprise, smiles, and says, okay. Walking back to the chair to start the cut, the lady says, "Will your husband be okay with you cutting your hair?" I guess the look I gave her made her look down at my hand and step back on her words and say, "oh, I thought you mentioned you were married before." Huh? I had no recollection of this conversation happening at all, but the direction of the conversation naturally moved to dating. I told her I had been in a relationship, but I was back on the dating scene. And it sucked. We then talked about online dating (yeesh...). Then, I said, "you know? I really like where I am in my life right now. If I find someone to share it with, great. If I don't? Great." Now, at this point, I'm waiting for the slight feeling of guilt I would get from telling a white lie, thinking what I just said was a white lie, but I didn't feel it at all. Instead I felt like it was the truth. I know I won't stop looking to share my life with a partner, but if I don't find that person...great.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

While I'm Waiting

A friend of mine posted this song on facebook, "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. I had posted this about a month and a half ago at the very end of my relationship. I still had hope that the relationship would work, but knew there were problems. I was sad all of the time at the end, unsettled about where the relationship was headed. I knew near the end that if something drastic didn't happen, it would be over. And that made me sad even before it was over. One night I decided to watch Fireproof (I don't know, maybe for some inspiration or something like that...). This song was on the soundtrack and as I listened to it, it perfectly described how I was feeling. I knew something was coming and I knew I wasn't going to have much control over what it was, but I knew that it was going to change me. It was going to turn me back to God. Okay, I actually didn't know THAT at the time, but once I heard this song, I knew I was still hopeful. I knew that I had to wait some more. I had to be patient. But I also knew I couldn't sit still and just wait for everything to be handed to me...that's where the moving ahead bold and confident part came in.

Seeing this song tonight and listening to it again, I can only thank my Heavenly Father for this past month. It has been an amazing time in my life. I have learned the power prayer has in my life. The power that my prayers have for other people's lives. I have learned how to worship better. I have learned that life is meant to be lived and that most people don't really know how to do this, but I have no control over this. I have learned to be a friend when I wished to still be the girlfriend. But most of all, I have learned to be grateful. Am I perfect at this? No. But I can recognize blessing in my life and recognize that God loves me more than I could have ever imagined. I have learned to let Him lead my life again...and I'm happy. A month ago, I thought happiness was out of my grasp for a long time (Heck, read the post around that time...yikes!), but through all of this, I was allowed to find that happiness in my life. And you know what? It doesn't come from a man. Yes, he can add to my happiness, but ultimately my happiness comes from doing what I know is right in my life. It comes from reading scripture. It comes from running five miles. It comes from sweet, silent moments. It comes from my trainer making me do 30 more calf raises. It comes from singing at church. It comes from helping a child find a book at work. It comes from laughing with my friends. It comes from just listening to what God wants me to do, and then doing it. Happiness doesn't come from lying on the floor, curled up in a ball, crying and wailing and wondering why??? Happiness CAN come from understanding why I had to go through that. (In case you're wondering, I may have spent a day or two on the floor, curled up in a ball, crying) I like where I am right now. I'm happy. And that is enough.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

An Active Lifestyle?

My trainer says I need a more active lifestyle. I couldn't agree more, but what? I could walk up and down my stairs a few times. I could run around the block (I already do that, but that doesn't necessarily constitute an active lifestyle). I could go hiking more (but really? Who wants to go hiking alone all the time?). I could walk to Kneaders instead of driving. I used to be active, I thought, but maybe I wasn't. Trying to put this single life back together has left me with a lot of time to watch television...a lot of time. I hate television, so the fact that I watched 6 hours of it in a row the other day says something about how inactive my lifestyle is right now. I can only exercise a certain amount of time in the day, so what do I do to fill the rest of it? In an active way, of course. I really don't know. Everything I can think of costs money, and who isn't trying to save money these days? Everyone I know is, so that rules out a lot of extracurricular activities. I thought about buying a baseball bat and a bunch of baseballs because there are two baseball diamonds behind my house, and maybe I still will, but after I got all excited about it, I realized it was 100 degrees outside. Plus, I would have to go fetch all the balls myself, which I guess would be an active thing to do.... I'm going to have to think about this, but so far I've come up with a big, fat nothing besides what I'm already doing. Ugh.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Growing Up Fat

As you know, Imaginary Cyberspace friend, I am on a quest to lose weight and get to my goal/healthy weight. So, I was sitting home tonight after work. I had decided to go to the gym because I didn't have anything else to do, and I hadn't worked out yet, today, but as I was walking out, something stopped me. It was one of those, don't go to the gym tonight type of feelings. Don't get me wrong, I was pumped to go to the gym, but something made me turn back and go inside. I don't know why, I still don't know why, but I stayed home tonight. Putting off working out at home, I turned on the television and flipped through the channels...Spongebob? Nope, already seen that one (guilty pleasure o' mine). Golden Girls? Not really feeling that tonight. High stakes poker? Nah...keep scrolling, scrolling (drool is starting to form on the side of my mouth and I can feel my brain turning mushier). Finally, I get to the movie channels. Nothing looks that great. I have my choice between The Fast and the Furious and a Lifetime Original Movie. Guess which one I choose? I choose the Lifetime movie called To Be Fat Like Me, starring that girl from the Big Bang Theory. Do you know the one, Imaginary Cyberspace friend? I was hesitant because, well, it was a Lifetime movie, right? But the screen glowed before me and I didn't want to keep searching for something else.
 So, quick synopsis of the movie. You have this girl named Allison who is a high school jock. She ends up hurting her leg and loses out on a scholarship, so instead she partners with a girl that apparently hates her, and comes up with the idea to do a documentary on being fat. She was going to dress up in a fat suit and basically show that personality can overcome any sort of prejudice. This took place during summer school. Well, her first day of school, she ends up coming in late and while she's going down the aisle in her fat suit, she gets moo'd at. It was not a good first day of school. She tries to hang out with the cool kids, but all they can seem to do is shun her, so she ends up making friends with the other fat girl in class and the geek boy (apparently this is the fat girl male equivalent...I like geeks personally ;)). Throughout the whole movie, everything is shown a bit to the extreme on what growing up and being a fat child/teenager is like. In one scene during the movie, Allison and her new fat friend, I want to say is named Rain, are having a heart to heart in a car. Rain reaches over and grabs a candy bar out of her glove box. Allison just looks at her when she is offered one. Rain then says, "It's my secret stash, we all have one." I paused at that. I used to sneak food all the time. I would get candy and deli foods from the grocery store and either eat them on the way home, or I would stash them away for later. They never did last long. Huh. Rain then talks about how an alcoholic can survive without alcohol, but a fat person is presented with food at least 3 times a day. Huh. That is something I've always thought. Food addiction is different than any other addiction.

Well, in the end, it shows that Allison is more aware of how fat teenagers are treated and shows greater empathy for her mother who has struggled with her weight, but, well, I was unsettled with how it ended. She still ends up getting the hot guy, and the resolution with her mother shows Allison treating her like a child and the mom conceding. Rain just kind of disappears after her part is played, as does her geek friend (who Rain had a major crush on) and I thought, if I were writing this movie, I would have let Rain end up with the boy and Allison with no one, but a profound sense of shame for being a skinny, stuck up jock. Then I sat back and realized that, no, it ended like real life. The pretty girl got the boy, Rain got, well, I don't know what she got. Apparently that wasn't the point of the movie. I like to think that Rain grew up, got out of dodge and realized that people were better and nicer in college...well, maybe they were, maybe they weren't.

I turn off the television. I'm kind of sick of watching television, but then I started thinking. Did growing up fat have that great of an impact on my adult life? And I had to answer honestly, yes. Was I made fun of? Sure. Was I passed over? All the time. Was I ever embarrassed of my weight? Every day. There are two moments that really stick out in my head. The first was when I was a senior in high school and we took a trip down to Southern California. We were in Knott's Berry Farm and there was a ride that went upside down, over water. I was excited because I loved rides like this, but when I got on, and the bars on the seat came down automatically, something stalled. A worker came over to my seat and tried to adjust it so the bar would lock down, but to no avail. I had to get off because I was too fat. So, I stood on the edge and watched my sister and her friend go on the ride. The next instance happened during the summer after high school. I was working at K-Mart (ahhhh...K-Mart) as a cashier when a man came up and just stared at me. I looked at him, just wondering what he was doing and then he told me I was the biggest woman he had ever seen (I am 5'10"). And then he just kept staring. I wanted to run and hide, but I couldn't. I had to just stand there and take it because I didn't know what else to do.

Now, I realize this was a long time ago and I am in much better shape than I was then, but just tonight (tonight!!), I was purchasing some protein bars at Target. The cashier was a man, probably in his early 20's, good looking and he was being a very friendly cashier (as you should be!), plus there was a very, very good looking man standing right behind me, listening in. The cashier was telling me he was counting down the minutes until the end of his shift, and just getting of my own shift from work, I told him I knew exactly what he was feeling like. Then, he asked if I had any plans for the evening, and I looked at the good looking man/boy, felt my cheeks flush and said, no. Then, I mumbled that I was going to workout. Now, you might think that my cheeks were flushing because he asked if I had any plans, but no. They were flushing because I thought if I told him I was working out, he would look at my body (as would the hot guy behind him) and realize just how fat I am. That I really, really needed to work out and that I was probably the biggest woman they had ever seen. I walked out of Target feeling mad! Why do I still have thoughts like these!?! So, when I asked myself if growing up fat has affected my adult life, heck, yes it has! To this day.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Love Is....

So, the past few days have been really boring. Really boring. I don't know how to change that completely at this point, but there is one thing that I'm going to do besides just working out and watching television. I'm going to read. Now, you would think that since I've worked at a bookstore for the past 10+ years that I would be an avid reader...weeeelll...I used to be an avid reader. It seems like ever since I got into working out that my desire to just sit down and read has greatly diminished. I find it almost unbearable to do something sedentary for more than an hour or so (although the way I've been watching t.v./movies the past few days would state otherwise). So, I've made it a goal to read two books the next two days. I'm starting with an Advanced Reader's Copy (ARC) of a teen apocalyptic novel called Eve. One of the perks of working for a bookstore is I get to read books before you sometimes. This one doesn't come out until October, but already I can tell I'm going to be getting the next two in the series (hello! Everything is a trilogy in teens nowadays...or a cycle if you can't seem to get it all in three books *cough*Inheritance*cough*). Well, one part of the book, about halfway through, has the heroine teaching young boys who have never heard the word "love". She's reading them "The Giving Tree" and it has the line "Once there was a tree, and she loved a little boy. And every day the boy would come--". One of the little boys raises his hand asked "What do you mean she loved him? What is that?" One of the older boys attending the class says, "It means to kiss a girl." To this the little boy was confused. Another boy chimed up, "No, it's not that. This is a tree. The tree isn't kissing the boy."

Eve finally says, "You can love anyone. Love is just...caring about someone very deeply. Feeling like that person matters to you, like your whole world would be sadder without them in it."

Now, this is a simple interpretation of that great concept love, but the more I looked at the definition, the more it made complete sense to me. Boiled down to the core of it, love is knowing your whole world would be sadder without that person in it. With that definition, I have countless people that I have loved and love and who love me in turn. I think of all my nieces and nephews and, while this is a complete no brainer, if any one of them left my world, I would be sadder. I think of my father. He did leave my world (you know the physical world where I could see and talk to him) and it is sadder because he is not here. This doesn't mean I'm sad all the time or that I don't have a hope that I'll see him again, but for the time in between, there is something missing in my life. I love my father.

I think of God when I read this definition. Of course, His love is something we cannot comprehend completely, but I believe His whole world is sadder when He loses a child. Each and everyone of us is loved so completely by Him and my world is sadder when I don't recognize that, when I decide to leave His presence. I don't know if that makes any sort of sense, but whenever I choose to stray from the path God has sent me on, when I willingly decide to sin or ignore His love, my world is sadder because He is not in my world. I guess that means I love God. I love Jesus Christ, too, because my life would be so much sadder if he wasn't in it.

My life is pretty good. (I don't know if that's a great way to end this blog entry, but there you go...great progress from the last one, don't you think? :)) 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I Got Nothing, Nothing but a Broken Heart

So, I've been really sad the past couple of weeks. Seriously sad, imaginary cyberspace friend, and I keep hoping I will snap out of it, but nothing seems to be working. I have to keep reminding myself that as time passes, so will this sadness, but two weeks have passed and I still feel that sharp knife like it was the day it happened. Yes, imaginary cyberspace friend, I broke up with my boyfriend. I keep thinking about that Frasier (and I know there will probably be no one out there that will know this), where Roz has broken up with her boyfriend and she pretends she's okay and that it didn't really matter. But then Frasier gets a call where this lady breaks down and says she broke up with her boyfriend almost a year ago and she can't seem to get over it. Frasier says something to the effect that she wasn't grieving for the loss of the person, but for the loss of what, oh, how did he put it, the loss of what she thought her life was going to be. I am grieving for the person lost right now, but also for the loss of what I thought my life was going to be. My mother pointed out that I had given up on marriage (haha...little did she know that was pretty much all a front), but that I bloomed and was in love and she told me it was a beautiful thing. Something she had never seen before. And it was a beautiful thing. And a sad thing when it was over. I know there have been billions of broken hearts in this world, but I can't help but feel right now, in this moment, that my heart is more broken than any one else's (yes, I know extremely selfish and narrow minded...yeah, don't care right now). You know what, yes, that is what I'm grieving right now, the loss of the life I thought I would have because I still have the opportunity to be friends with the boy, so I can't say I've lost him. I really don't know. Maybe I've lost him, too. In this moment, I feel like I have nothing, nothing but a broken heart. Oh, and after Frasier hung up with the caller, he looked over and Roz was sobbing. Everything was not okay.

P.S. I'm taking 6 months off dating to try and fix my life. Will I reach my goal weight? Stay tuned.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Two Worlds

It is so late right now, but I just feel like I need to write. I don't usually feel this way, but for some reason, tonight, I do, so I'm going with it. I've been feeling a lack of motivation lately, imaginary cyberspace friend. When I first moved down to Utah, I had motivation in spades (is that the right term? Anyway...). I was set and ready to conquer the world. Not only my world of weight loss, but also the world of men. Well, I got down here and down to business. I started losing more weight and meeting men and dating (if you don't know what I mean, read some of my previous blogs). Well, then Christmas season hit and both parts of that world started to falter. This is pretty typical, but after the New Year, I was back on track. Well...I was back on track with my weight loss. And I told myself that was the most important thing anyway, so it didn't matter that I couldn't get a date to save my life ( was a good thing now that I look back on it). Valentine's Day came and went without any bite. I still told myself that I was working out and I was really looking good, so as long as I had that, I was still okay. But it was starting to wear me thin (yes, read the blog where I rant and rave about men). Then, I met Aaron and just like that, I had a boyfriend. He swept me off my feet, made me feel, well, good. He is a gentleman, always opening my door for me (and when he forgets...very rare..., I usually stand outside my door until he comes over). He came into my life like a whirlwind and stayed. I still remember telling a friend the night before our first date (which lasted 13 hours), that I was going to keep my heart open with this one. That he seemed different, and I felt ready to let someone in. And he was and I did.

So, why the lack of motivation? I had conquered (well, I was on my way to doing such) the world of men, but in the process, let the world of weight loss crumble. Did I build it on sand? I'm focusing so much on building this relationship, growing this fragile flower, if you will, that I have neglected other vital parts of me. It is starting to catch up. I believe one reason is that I realize the importance this relationship could have in my life and in the life to come, so to neglect that part of it in any way would be to put that life I want in jeopardy. I realize deep down inside of me that the Most is the building of this relationship, growing it in faith and love, building it on a rock solid foundation, so that when the storms do come (as they do and will), we will face them together and not apart. As this relationship has progressed, I am coming to realize something else: sometimes the things I thought were the most important things in life really aren't. Having a HOT body would be nice, but I realize that a healthy body, a body that can someday produce healthy children, is more important (and yes, I do realize Aaron will say this is the 31 year old baby hungry woman in me...apparently this is common, although I did not realize it). Being on a strict diet and loathing my body my entire life is not as important as enjoying life a bit and passing on a love of self to my children (yes, I KNOW). Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to be slothful and eat junk for the rest of my life, but I don't want that part of my world to dominate my life anymore. I want to love my body. I want to love the person that I am right now. Being healthy is important to me. Looking and being my best is important to me, but I will do it without sacrificing life. I'm trying to find this balance right now. I'm trying to incorporate this new idea into my life, while still building this relationship.

I've been mulling over this for about a month now, and I think I'm ready to balance it all out. I'm ready to join the two world. I tried at the beginning of the relationship to join them, but I tried to be just as intensive as I was before while putting an equal, if not more, intensity into this relationship and in the end, just felt burnt out and like I failed. Because no matter what world I was putting attention into, the other world got neglected. And the worse thing was I was starting to resent the relationship at times when I felt like a failure in the weight loss world. Of course, then I would just remember how miserable I was before the relationship world.... So, I think the solution to this all is combining them into a world of well, healthy living, for lack of a better phrase. A healthy relationship. A healthy diet. A healthy workout schedule. Nothing to the extreme, but with this, my one world will be so full.

Monday, May 9, 2011

The Stefanie Show No More

I told my sister, Melanie, that I would write a new blog today (well, technically yesterday, but I haven't gone to bed, yet...). So, here it is. I'm not sure what I want to write about. I really should be in bed, sleeping, but I had such a nice nap against my boyfriend while he watched a movie (haha) that I feel slightly refreshed. Hmmm...I think I want to talk about cuddling. What do you think, Imaginary Cyberspace Friend? You agree? Great. Well, cuddling is pretty awesome. I am 30 years old, almost 31 and this is the first time in my life that I've really cuddled with a boy. Cuddling, as in sitting on the couch next to him, having him put his arm around me and me leaning into him, or putting my head on his chest and just listening to his heartbeat. He might stroke or kiss my hair and it's just a sense of being loved and protected. It pretty much rocks my socks every time I think about it. This whole serious relationship rocks my socks if I think about it (which, being a girl, really comes with the territory). Sometimes it's a little strange contemplating sharing my life with someone else. I've been single for so long, out on my own, that sometimes it just takes me aback when I realize I have to consider the plans and actions of someone else. It's not just The Stefanie Show anymore. Don't get me wrong, The Stefanie Show was amazing and it had a long run, but it was really time to retire it. I've felt for a very long time that I didn't want to be this selfish single being anymore, but my nature, as a single person with no children, was, in essense, a selfish person. I think it is fabulous there are single people out there that can break free from the selfishness and think of others before themselves, but, unfortunately, I was not one of them. Sure, I had my moments, but almost everything I did in my life directly benefited me, myself and I. With this relationship, I am finding out that what I want to do on a daily basis is to benefit the other person. Am I perfect at this? Heck, no. 30 years of being single and selfish will not be overcome in a few short months. But I'm learning everyday how to be a better part of this couple. For example, the other night, Aaron (that's his name :)) was out at a meeting. It was Cinco de Mayo and so I suggested that we make enchiladas, which I would make and have ready when he was done. I went a little further and got some throwback mountain dew (made with sugar, not HFCS) to put in the fridge to chill, just a little surprise. He comes home and it's just come out of the oven. He starts to tell me about the meeting and how it wasn't what he thought it was going to be. I could tell he was a little stressed out about it, as he was pacing around my house instead of just standing/sitting still, so I take his hand, lead him into the kitchen, open the fridge and pull out the soda. He looks at me with these blue, blue eyes and just smiles, gives me a big hug and says, "my baby loves me". We then dish up and he makes another comment about how nice it is to come home to a home cooked meal. He never got that until the other night. And in my heart, I felt like such a woman. You know, that primal part of me that wants to be there when her man comes home to feed and pamper him. That unselfish, completely feminine, part of me that lights up when it all comes together like that.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Not Dead...Boyfriend

I know it's been more than a month since my last blog update, but I'm not dead, imaginary cyberspace friend! Contrary to that popular belief (you know, that I'm dead)...I actually have a boyfriend! A boyfriend. What a sweet statement. It's the kind of boyfriend where everything else seems to fall away in your life because it seems like all you want to do is spend time with him. Get to know him. And I'm not going to lie, kiss him. I have never had a man just hold me with no ulterior motive before. It is, well, wonderful. I'm sure there will be more to come, but right now I have to call my man and drag his butt to the gym. Hey! I can't let a little thing called love get in the way of looking hot. That's still one of my mosts ;). And I found a guy who wants to go on the journey with me. I feel just blessed right now.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Moment or The Most?

I just made up some motivational signs to, well, motivate me as I walk down to the basement (where my bedroom is). There's also one on my fridge that says, "Never trade what you want the Most for what you want this Moment." I have a hard time with that. I'm very much of the generation of this moment or nothing. There are so many songs written about this night only, or in this moment, or we don't know how long we have, etc, etc, etc. It's so moment to moment, that sometimes actually KNOWING what you want the most is the problem. In case there's someone out there who doesn't know this, I got a trainer at the beginning of the year. He's pretty good. Young, but good (sheesh, I am so old! At least, I keep making comments that make me sound old ;)). Our second sit down he gave me the speech of not trading what I want the most for what I wanted in the moment. This was intended for food. But I had been dwelling and writing about this topic for a couple of days before this sit down, so it stuck a big chord with me. If you read my last post, I have a food addiction and there are more times that I traded the moment for the most than I can ever seem to count. Having that mindset is difficult because while in the moment it is soooo hard to reach for the "most". It is essential to have a successful life, but it is difficult. I don't believe it is ever impossible, just difficult. It takes practice, discipline. Ahhh...discipline. Something else my generation lacks a great deal of. I have not been impressed with my generation in case you were wondering. I'm part of it. I can readily own up to my own apathetic past (hopefully not future). I just admitted that I live in the moment more than I am comfortable with, but I am hoping with the changes I have made in my life and continue to make that I will be a contributing member of this society instead of a drain on it. That was one of the most motivating factors to changing my life...I felt like I was not contributing to society. I wasn't living life, but letting it pass me by, not caring about neighbors, not doing service to those in my community, but basically living to fulfill my own selfish wants (not needs, wants). I had no legacy to leave behind. Hmmm...I believe I have blogged about this before. It takes dedication and discipline to change your life. It is not easy. There is no easy fix. No magic pill. No genie ready to grant wishes. There IS help if asked for (sometimes not asked for :)). But I think perhaps the first step to real change is figuring out what you DO want the most. When I moved down to Utah, the thing I wanted most was to get an education so I could go out and educate and help others with their lives, health wise. That is still my most for being down in Utah. In terms of my trainer and weight loss goals, what I want the most is to be healthy, to not get the debilitating diseases that come with being morbidly obese, to live a long time and to look really hot while doing it. Hey! I'm not perfectly humble. So, when I do eat terribly, I am forgetting that most. When I don't give my all during a workout or worse yet, choose to not workout, then I am giving in to the moment. I have come to realize over the past year that I hold myself to very high standards. But the thing is, I also know that failure to reach these very high standards can create some awesome lessons in my life. Lessons that I need to learn. Failure helps me to grow. It can help you, too, imaginary cyberspace friend. Those last couple of statements may contradict the rest of the blog, but really, both parts are vital. If you don't taste the bitterness of failure, how are you ever going to know the sweet taste of success? So, yes, I hold myself to these high standards, and I am trying to live more for the most than the moment, but sometimes I fail at this. I fail. Learn. Grow and reach again. But when I don't fail, oh, how sweet it is. 

Oh, the picture was chosen because it represents the biggest most in my life.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

One More Step

Well, I'm just sitting here on my floor listening to the Zac Brown Band and thinking about life. Do you ever do that, imaginary cyberspace friend? Just sit and be. No? Well, you should do it every once in a while. It's something I recommend because how can you be in tune with your own life if you don't sit and listen to it every once in a while? Listening to my life right now, I can tell you that I'm getting stronger physically, but my will to eat better has not gotten stronger. Eating has always been a struggle for me, ever since I've been a small child. Looking back, I don't see how there was any possible way I was going to get out of my childhood without developing a food addiction. And I didn't. Food is both my lover and my enemy. The addiction can take over when I least expect it, and I cannot stop obsessing about some food or another unless I go out and eat it. This is not a normal relationship with food. I can blame it on hormones all I want, but when I really sit down and listen, I know they are not wholly to blame. Yes, I'm a woman, so I will crave carbohydrates right before my period, but what about a week after? While I am eating, I'll feel so satisfied, but very shortly after, if I don't already feel sick from eating whatever, I will be literally racked with guilt because I know better. I've studied this stuff, and I know what I should and shouldn't put in my mouth, at what times of day I should eat certain things, and so on and so forth. Do you know how I knew I probably wouldn't get out of childhood without a food addiction? I was a food sneaker. Not just the occasional cookie or anything like that, I would sneak whenever I could. I obsessed over it. And I had teenage brothers who ate like crazy, so I don't think the food was missed that much. Then, as I got older, this turned into "drives" I took either by myself or with my sisters. We laugh about our "drives" now, but they were just another symptom for me. Unfortunately, and I've said this before, you just can't stop eating food. You need it to survive. I remember times when I was a teenager and I would just wish so much that all I needed to survive was a pill, that food didn't exist. I loved and hated it then, too. How to have a healthy relationship with food? I'm not sure, but I'm hoping to find out. It's like that will all addictions, I think. You just have to find that healthy relationship, either it's to cut it out of your life completely (smoking, alcohol, pornography) or to find a way to bring it back and make it work for your life in a way that is healthy and productive (I'll let you come up with those ones yourself). Now, I don't think I'm a hopeless case. Not at all. I don't think anyone is hopeless, to be completely honest. Within the confines of this food addiction, I have lost 80 lbs. Each of those pounds has been a victory against this addiction, and I want everyone to know how hard fought those 80 lbs have been. I have fought against this addiction every step of the way. Every single friggin' step (ah, Jim). But I think it's time I started asking for help with this thing. So, I ask for your help. If I'm not near you, then you are probably off the hook because I don't break bread with you that often, but if you are near, then I need your help whenever we do eat together. I need your encouragement. I know this is deeper than just eating a cookie, so I'm asking for your prayers to help me with whatever emotional/spiritual things that will come with asking for help and finally facing up to it. Really facing up to it and trying to break it.

This is just one more step down the road I started almost two years ago. A needed step that I've put off for too long. This is just a warning for whoever wants to achieve long lasting weight loss (after being overweight for a long time), you have to, just have to, deal with whatever brought you to gaining weight in the first place or what kept you at a heavy weight for a significant amount of time. It's never just because you're lazy. That's a symptom of what's really going on and if you do not deal with that, you will never, ever be whole.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Ranting and Raving...Ridiculous

So, I was out this morning/afternoon with a friend from work, John. About a month ago we decided to become gym buddies and today was the first day of the gym buddiness. It was really good and I had a fun time with another person there. I've never had a gym buddy before and I liked it. We went to eat at Subway after the workout and were just talking about our dating lives, and I told him that sometimes I just want to rant and rave about dating. And I know, all you single (and married) people out there can feel my pain. It's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. If I were married there is no way I would ever get divorced if only for the fact that I would never, ever want to go through the dating process again! I say bring on the counseling/therapy/shock therapy. Anything to not have to go through this again. With that said...I'm a picky dater. I never thought I would say that, but it's true. Once the opportunities started coming, I found that I couldn't just settle for the first person who came along because they showed some interest in me. He was completely wrong for me and I would have steamrolled all over him, so I don't feel bad about that one, but he was also a completely nice guy. (Yeah, he won't read this blog). Anyway, I decided to take a month off of dating because I wasn't getting anywhere and my pickiness was starting to wear thin on me, plus it was holiday at work, so it seemed like a good time to do it. Well, it's January and I said I wanted to have a date lined up by the 20th...well, it's the 20th and it is getting ridiculous out there. It seems like from the month of December to the month of January men have lost their, fill in the blanks. What happened, men? Where are you? Like I said...ridiculous. I am going to list my perfectly unbiased qualifications for you and you be the judge: I am smart. Beautiful (and p.s. I'm only getting better looking as I get older). I want commitment (is that a problem for LDS men somehow??). I actually want to be a mother and be a dang good one at that. I am a leader. I am focused. I am tall (hello! Tall is sexy). I can cook. I eat healthy. I workout and want to prolong my life. I love to travel. I am happy 95% of the time (yes, I have a period because I'm a woman in my early 30's, so it's not all sunshine all the time). I'm a good person in general. I have no outstanding warrants for my arrest. I'm a little reserved. I'm a runner. I'm a fighter. I want to be a lover. I have intelligent thoughts that sometimes come out a little silly. Sometimes my silly thoughts come out a little intelligent. And if all else fails...I'm a U.S. Citizen. So, with all that going for me, I don't understand why it is so ridiculous going right now. They (and when I say they...I literally mean every person who's ever given me advice on dating) say to be patient, that someone, the right one, will come along (of course, then they also say it's hard to believe someone hasn't snatched me up...picky much?). I do choose to believe them...95% of the time.

Well, I hope you have enjoyed my little rant and rave about dating. Oh, ridiculous dating. How I wish for thy death*.

*But only if a ring on my finger supersedes it.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


Well, my dear imaginary cyberspace friend, did you miss me? I know it's only been three weeks, but somehow Christmas doesn't seem three weeks ago. It seems so much longer. The new year is here (go 2011!), a little less than two years to know until December 21, 2012. Work with me, friend. So, today has been an interesting day. I went for a drive today. Now, you may be wondering how that is interesting and in the great scheme of things, it's not. But I haven't been just driving for no reason for almost four years now. It used to be one of my favorite activities to go out in the countryside of Prosser and just drive the back roads. I am a country girl at heart (always will be no matter how big the city I live in grows around me) and I wanted a little bit of country today. But let me backtrack just a little bit. Earlier in the day, I had emailed a friend a question. It was a serious kind of question, but really one I needed to answer for myself. I had asked him if he really believed. When no one is looking, what do you believe? And is that belief deep inside your heart (okay, I only asked the first two questions, but the last one was for me). It is one thing to loudly proclaim something and to show the world what you believe, but it is quite another to have it in your heart always, especially when everyone around you is gone and the spotlight is off. Now, for those of you who are able to do both, I am grateful for that example. To believe and then show that belief. But for myself...was that belief deep enough to get me through? To look at all the bad examples around me, step around them and be true to what was inside? And can belief's change? I believe the answer to that question is yes. While truths do not, beliefs can. It is possible to believe that a truth is a lie with enough evidence shoved in your face. It is also true that you can believe a lie is truth. But it is also possible to believe that a truth is a truth, that a lie is a lie. I'll be the first one to admit that I've been won over by a lie in my life, more than once. Haven't you, imaginary cyberspace friend? No comment? Well, back to this evening. I had to run a redbox movie back quickly, so it wouldn't be late, and was headed right back home. I was getting to the driveway when I decided I wanted to go for a drive. I remembered from my youth what a good way that was to be alone, to think, to meditate on my beliefs. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of country around me, so I found myself driving on the freeway, then up Bangater Highway...anyway. I was thinking about my beliefs while I was cruising around lazy (ha!) Sunday drivers. It was raining lightly and it just seemed like the perfect scene for an accident (haha...just kidding, I'm a completely safe driver even lost in thought). Well, this thought came to me that I was strong enough and my beliefs were deep enough inside of me to withstand anything thrown at me. That I didn't have to worry about falling and never being able to get back up (yes, we all know falling is never fun, but it happens, especially when you're a klutz like me). My parents taught me their beliefs and they did an excellent job, but there comes a point where those beliefs either become lies or truths in each individuals eyes (regardless of actual truth). Well, my parents beliefs were my own. They are my own. And they are deep enough.