Saturday, October 19, 2013

"I love you and I like you"

I have a Saturday off with not much to do, and I'm listening to the love song channel on Pandora, so I thought, Hey! Why not write a blog post? It's a beautiful day out today. Sunny. Blue skies. It makes me want to cherish this weather before the cold sets in. Did I just talk about the weather with you, Imaginary Cyberspace Friend? You know me better than that, don't you. Talking about the weather usually means I have something else I want to talk about, but don't know how to bring it up.

You know I've done posts on motivation before. What is it. Where is it. I admit that I struggle with that every once in a while. I work in a book store, and so I see self help books all the time trying to convince me that one way will work. No, no, no...that way is wrong...try this way! And this is only reading the back of the books. I couldn't imagine how confused I would be if I tried reading a few of these books. That's not to say they won't work for one person or another. It probably worked for the author or he wouldn't have written a book about it, right? Right?

I've been trying to find my "why". As some of you know, I've recently started down the weight loss path again after taking a year off (Memo to me: don't EVER take a year off...not worth it, plus you lose a WHOLE year of life) and it has been HARD! I don't believe it has anything to do with my ability to lose weight. I know, logically and now scientifically, how to do it. It has to do with my "why." Why is this important? Why should I try? Why should I restrict myself in any way? Why should I put myself through this hell (my trainers words)? Why, indeed.

So, I put the question out to a group I belong to on Facebook. I wanted to get people's opinions on what motivates them who were in similar situations as me: no kids, single, of a certain age and religion. It's only been a few hours since it's been out there, but a few responses have to do with loving yourself, accepting that you're never going to have kids and being happy about it, supporting other parents, making myself better so I can attract the type of man I want, being positive, etc. While those are all great and wonderful ideas (well, some of them), for me, they won't motivate me. I'm thinking back to my previous motivations to better myself: a boy, a boy, a boy. Huh. Another boy. While I do want to be a stone cold fox for my future significant other, after this past year, there is no way that could be a motivation now.

Okay, so we're taking the making myself better so I can attract the type of man I want reason out.

I'm just going to ceremoniously throw out the accept and be happy I'm never having kids reason. If I gave up on that one before I should (i.e. when menopause has hit), that would be the most unmotivated thing I could think of. Not the direction I want to go. So...gone.

While I do support other parents and love my nieces and nephews like no other thing in this world, they are not a motivating factor to better myself. The fact is...they would love me regardless of who or what I am. And I don't have to be around to see their children grow up because they wouldn't be my grandchildren.

Being positive. Being positive. Yeah..........

So, that leaves loving myself. I've been watching this television show, Parks and Recreation, lately. It is almost side splitting funny sometimes, but that's not why I love it. The main couple on there, Leslie and Ben, are probably the best portrayal of what I want in a relationship. When they got married, in their vows, they said to each other, "I love you and I like you." Love is fantastic. But I want like.

To bring it back to motivation, I love myself. I can make a list of the things I love about myself. And more than that, believe them. But sometimes I don't like myself. I don't like the things I do. I don't like the things I say. Sometimes. This past year, I did not like the way I acted. With respect to men. With respect to my body. With respect to some family members. With respect to God. My motivation is not there because I have not forgiven myself for not liking myself. For not seeking forgiveness from those I need to.

I have a poster up on my motivational wall that lists my "whys". None of them have worked so far. I'm going to put up a sign that simply says, "I love you and I like you."

And get to work achieving that.