Sunday, January 26, 2014

New Beginning

You know what I sometimes really wish, Imaginary Cyberspace Friend? That my life, my specific life, came with an owners manual. I've been thinking deep thoughts lately. Yeah. I do that sometimes. Sometimes I just want someone to come up to me and tell me: Stefanie, if you do x than y will happen. If you do n than o will happen (those letters are used in algebra, right?). So, choose x because the second choice spells out "no". But grrrrr...it doesn't work that way. I have to keep making...decisions. I mean, I know myself enough to know that if my ability to make decisions was taken away, I would not be happy. Not at all because who wants to be told what to do all of the time? But every once in a while?? Would that be so bad?

Okay, that is not what I want to talk about. It's part of what I've been thinking about, but the bigger part of my thoughts lately have been with change. Hmmm...I guess those two go hand in hand. Anyways. If you've read my last post, I said I was going to start dating again on February 1st and that date is fast approaching. How am I feeling about it? Okay. It is something that is a motivating factor, but also something I am slightly weary of. I am definitely going into this bout with a brand new perspective. If you recall, I also said on that night I had danced like no one was looking. Well, I have been dancing almost every day since then. It is something that is very freeing. I have always been graceful and it is so fun to see the progress I have made over the past couple of weeks. For example, one leg is stronger than the other, so I make it a point to use that leg just as often as my other, stronger leg when it comes to lifts and balance. Tonight, there was hardly a difference in the grace of the leg lift. My body is changing in a different way than it has ever before. And that is exciting! Being in a rut is hard to get out of when I had been digging it for two years. So, I decided to try a different approach to almost my whole life. Instead of running, I am dancing. Instead of being unhappy, I am happy. Whoa. I just typed it, so it must be the truth.

Let's explore this happiness factor, shall we? I was dancing the other night all out of breath and sweaty and I had a sudden thought that I AM HAPPY! It was that loud in my head. The logical side of me said it was only because of the exercise I was doing, but then that logical side couldn't discount the fact that I have been happy for a few months now. Sure, there are days when I feel a little blue, but that usually coincides with my period. It is this sentiment and truth that I am happy that makes me feel confident in my decision to start dating again. All this time, I thought I was waiting for my body to be back to where I deemed acceptable, but really, I was waiting for my mind to be ready. My body has always, always followed where my mind takes it. Does that sound weird? What I mean, is when I was so unhappy and dejected and just through, my body responded by putting on weight. I know I've explored this before, but it feels like I'm on the other end of this bad phase of my life. And that, too, is exciting! Life is a series of endings and beginnings. Sometimes they overlap, but I'm ready to fully step into this new beginning.

I AM SO HAPPY!!


Sunday, January 12, 2014

That's How I Roll

Well, Imaginary Cyberspace Friend, I am feeling back to normal. It is a good, good feeling. I'm listening to Celine Dion right now (her new album is off the hook! Yes...I did just say that) and feeling determined. Is that the right word? I guess I normally feel determined, so that is the right word. I am determined to get out of debt this year (besides the big stuff). I am determined to work with my hot trainer and succeed at looking hot...ter by the beginning of the summer, so I can wear my super cute red polka dot bathing suit again. I am determined to keep doing well at school. I am determined to take the GMAT.

Okay, so this is completely off the subject I thought I was going for, but does it ever make sense to look back in order to move forward? I keep resisting doing the same type of things I did before to lose weight, but why? Why am I resisting? Because it didn't work in the long run? But it did. I kept weight off for almost five years. It took an awful lot for me to give up. I remember when I was first losing weight, I would have nights alone in my apartment and just workout like a demon. I would read through nutrition books or browse through websites to learn more. I learned how my body lost weight and was very successful at it. I was proud of myself. Determined. It led me to start (and finish some) great things with my life.

The weight that I have put back on has almost completely paralyzed my life. I don't date. I am not taking steps to better my professional life. I looked in the mirror, really looked, for the first time in a long time just a couple of days ago. A long, hard, critical look. Since we are each our harshest critics, it was rough, but it was also kind of crazy to me how much that did to clear my head of this paralyzing feeling. I've decided that on February 1st, I am going to start really dating again. Not just making out with random men I've met off the internet (Melanie, you were right...that may have been slightly whorish), but find a real relationship. I don't know if I'm ready or not, but ready or not, I'm determined to do it.

So, tonight, I worked out like a demon in my house. Danced like no one was looking (because no one was) and then got serious and did some Jillian 30-Day Shred. Because that's how I roll. Looking back...to move forward.

Hey, look! My first Facebook picture ever!