Friday, May 18, 2012

Tired

I'm searching for my motivation, Imaginary Cyberspace Friend. I was emailing a friend all of my motivations since I started being healthier four years ago and after a while, I noticed a theme. The majority of them were based on another person or group of people...and each failed. Oh, there is always initial success, especially with revenge motivated, uh, motivation, but that especially fizzes out when the revenge is no longer a part of your life (i.e. the person or thing they did). Now, I suppose if you want to hold onto a grudge or heartbreak for long enough to get in fantastic shape, go for it! It's your mental health...but for me that doesn't work anymore. Focusing on another person to get me past  the point of laziness (where I want to stay always) does not work long term. It goes away or loses some of its value. Now, I think the kids motivation for some would be awesome because they are usually around for longer than your life is, so if you have kids that you feel deserve a healthier parent (because they do...you brought them into this world...), then use that as a positive motivating force. I have no such kids to motivate me, though. I have no partner to push me and tell me how good I'm doing on a daily, even weekly basis. I have never felt more alone and unmotivated in my life. And if the motivation for me is supposed to come from within, how do I do it? What is there enough about myself to motivate change? I was actually hoping there would be something medically wrong with me, so I would have that reason, but nope...I'm healthy as a  horse, well, a healthy horse. I was thinking about it yesterday and I thought, I do at least 50% more for my health than most people I know (yes, I have bad days...we all do), yet, I am bigger than 90% of the world. How is that, now? I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore...if my motivation has to come from within, how will I ever feel motivated again? I say again...I'm tired.