Wednesday, August 24, 2011

An Active Lifestyle?

My trainer says I need a more active lifestyle. I couldn't agree more, but what? I could walk up and down my stairs a few times. I could run around the block (I already do that, but that doesn't necessarily constitute an active lifestyle). I could go hiking more (but really? Who wants to go hiking alone all the time?). I could walk to Kneaders instead of driving. I used to be active, I thought, but maybe I wasn't. Trying to put this single life back together has left me with a lot of time to watch television...a lot of time. I hate television, so the fact that I watched 6 hours of it in a row the other day says something about how inactive my lifestyle is right now. I can only exercise a certain amount of time in the day, so what do I do to fill the rest of it? In an active way, of course. I really don't know. Everything I can think of costs money, and who isn't trying to save money these days? Everyone I know is, so that rules out a lot of extracurricular activities. I thought about buying a baseball bat and a bunch of baseballs because there are two baseball diamonds behind my house, and maybe I still will, but after I got all excited about it, I realized it was 100 degrees outside. Plus, I would have to go fetch all the balls myself, which I guess would be an active thing to do.... I'm going to have to think about this, but so far I've come up with a big, fat nothing besides what I'm already doing. Ugh.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Growing Up Fat

As you know, Imaginary Cyberspace friend, I am on a quest to lose weight and get to my goal/healthy weight. So, I was sitting home tonight after work. I had decided to go to the gym because I didn't have anything else to do, and I hadn't worked out yet, today, but as I was walking out, something stopped me. It was one of those, don't go to the gym tonight type of feelings. Don't get me wrong, I was pumped to go to the gym, but something made me turn back and go inside. I don't know why, I still don't know why, but I stayed home tonight. Putting off working out at home, I turned on the television and flipped through the channels...Spongebob? Nope, already seen that one (guilty pleasure o' mine). Golden Girls? Not really feeling that tonight. High stakes poker? Nah...keep scrolling, scrolling (drool is starting to form on the side of my mouth and I can feel my brain turning mushier). Finally, I get to the movie channels. Nothing looks that great. I have my choice between The Fast and the Furious and a Lifetime Original Movie. Guess which one I choose? I choose the Lifetime movie called To Be Fat Like Me, starring that girl from the Big Bang Theory. Do you know the one, Imaginary Cyberspace friend? I was hesitant because, well, it was a Lifetime movie, right? But the screen glowed before me and I didn't want to keep searching for something else.
 So, quick synopsis of the movie. You have this girl named Allison who is a high school jock. She ends up hurting her leg and loses out on a scholarship, so instead she partners with a girl that apparently hates her, and comes up with the idea to do a documentary on being fat. She was going to dress up in a fat suit and basically show that personality can overcome any sort of prejudice. This took place during summer school. Well, her first day of school, she ends up coming in late and while she's going down the aisle in her fat suit, she gets moo'd at. It was not a good first day of school. She tries to hang out with the cool kids, but all they can seem to do is shun her, so she ends up making friends with the other fat girl in class and the geek boy (apparently this is the fat girl male equivalent...I like geeks personally ;)). Throughout the whole movie, everything is shown a bit to the extreme on what growing up and being a fat child/teenager is like. In one scene during the movie, Allison and her new fat friend, I want to say is named Rain, are having a heart to heart in a car. Rain reaches over and grabs a candy bar out of her glove box. Allison just looks at her when she is offered one. Rain then says, "It's my secret stash, we all have one." I paused at that. I used to sneak food all the time. I would get candy and deli foods from the grocery store and either eat them on the way home, or I would stash them away for later. They never did last long. Huh. Rain then talks about how an alcoholic can survive without alcohol, but a fat person is presented with food at least 3 times a day. Huh. That is something I've always thought. Food addiction is different than any other addiction.

Well, in the end, it shows that Allison is more aware of how fat teenagers are treated and shows greater empathy for her mother who has struggled with her weight, but, well, I was unsettled with how it ended. She still ends up getting the hot guy, and the resolution with her mother shows Allison treating her like a child and the mom conceding. Rain just kind of disappears after her part is played, as does her geek friend (who Rain had a major crush on) and I thought, if I were writing this movie, I would have let Rain end up with the boy and Allison with no one, but a profound sense of shame for being a skinny, stuck up jock. Then I sat back and realized that, no, it ended like real life. The pretty girl got the boy, Rain got, well, I don't know what she got. Apparently that wasn't the point of the movie. I like to think that Rain grew up, got out of dodge and realized that people were better and nicer in college...well, maybe they were, maybe they weren't.

I turn off the television. I'm kind of sick of watching television, but then I started thinking. Did growing up fat have that great of an impact on my adult life? And I had to answer honestly, yes. Was I made fun of? Sure. Was I passed over? All the time. Was I ever embarrassed of my weight? Every day. There are two moments that really stick out in my head. The first was when I was a senior in high school and we took a trip down to Southern California. We were in Knott's Berry Farm and there was a ride that went upside down, over water. I was excited because I loved rides like this, but when I got on, and the bars on the seat came down automatically, something stalled. A worker came over to my seat and tried to adjust it so the bar would lock down, but to no avail. I had to get off because I was too fat. So, I stood on the edge and watched my sister and her friend go on the ride. The next instance happened during the summer after high school. I was working at K-Mart (ahhhh...K-Mart) as a cashier when a man came up and just stared at me. I looked at him, just wondering what he was doing and then he told me I was the biggest woman he had ever seen (I am 5'10"). And then he just kept staring. I wanted to run and hide, but I couldn't. I had to just stand there and take it because I didn't know what else to do.

Now, I realize this was a long time ago and I am in much better shape than I was then, but just tonight (tonight!!), I was purchasing some protein bars at Target. The cashier was a man, probably in his early 20's, good looking and he was being a very friendly cashier (as you should be!), plus there was a very, very good looking man standing right behind me, listening in. The cashier was telling me he was counting down the minutes until the end of his shift, and just getting of my own shift from work, I told him I knew exactly what he was feeling like. Then, he asked if I had any plans for the evening, and I looked at the good looking man/boy, felt my cheeks flush and said, no. Then, I mumbled that I was going to workout. Now, you might think that my cheeks were flushing because he asked if I had any plans, but no. They were flushing because I thought if I told him I was working out, he would look at my body (as would the hot guy behind him) and realize just how fat I am. That I really, really needed to work out and that I was probably the biggest woman they had ever seen. I walked out of Target feeling mad! Why do I still have thoughts like these!?! So, when I asked myself if growing up fat has affected my adult life, heck, yes it has! To this day.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Love Is....

So, the past few days have been really boring. Really boring. I don't know how to change that completely at this point, but there is one thing that I'm going to do besides just working out and watching television. I'm going to read. Now, you would think that since I've worked at a bookstore for the past 10+ years that I would be an avid reader...weeeelll...I used to be an avid reader. It seems like ever since I got into working out that my desire to just sit down and read has greatly diminished. I find it almost unbearable to do something sedentary for more than an hour or so (although the way I've been watching t.v./movies the past few days would state otherwise). So, I've made it a goal to read two books the next two days. I'm starting with an Advanced Reader's Copy (ARC) of a teen apocalyptic novel called Eve. One of the perks of working for a bookstore is I get to read books before you sometimes. This one doesn't come out until October, but already I can tell I'm going to be getting the next two in the series (hello! Everything is a trilogy in teens nowadays...or a cycle if you can't seem to get it all in three books *cough*Inheritance*cough*). Well, one part of the book, about halfway through, has the heroine teaching young boys who have never heard the word "love". She's reading them "The Giving Tree" and it has the line "Once there was a tree, and she loved a little boy. And every day the boy would come--". One of the little boys raises his hand asked "What do you mean she loved him? What is that?" One of the older boys attending the class says, "It means to kiss a girl." To this the little boy was confused. Another boy chimed up, "No, it's not that. This is a tree. The tree isn't kissing the boy."

Eve finally says, "You can love anyone. Love is just...caring about someone very deeply. Feeling like that person matters to you, like your whole world would be sadder without them in it."

Now, this is a simple interpretation of that great concept love, but the more I looked at the definition, the more it made complete sense to me. Boiled down to the core of it, love is knowing your whole world would be sadder without that person in it. With that definition, I have countless people that I have loved and love and who love me in turn. I think of all my nieces and nephews and, while this is a complete no brainer, if any one of them left my world, I would be sadder. I think of my father. He did leave my world (you know the physical world where I could see and talk to him) and it is sadder because he is not here. This doesn't mean I'm sad all the time or that I don't have a hope that I'll see him again, but for the time in between, there is something missing in my life. I love my father.

I think of God when I read this definition. Of course, His love is something we cannot comprehend completely, but I believe His whole world is sadder when He loses a child. Each and everyone of us is loved so completely by Him and my world is sadder when I don't recognize that, when I decide to leave His presence. I don't know if that makes any sort of sense, but whenever I choose to stray from the path God has sent me on, when I willingly decide to sin or ignore His love, my world is sadder because He is not in my world. I guess that means I love God. I love Jesus Christ, too, because my life would be so much sadder if he wasn't in it.

My life is pretty good. (I don't know if that's a great way to end this blog entry, but there you go...great progress from the last one, don't you think? :)) 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I Got Nothing, Nothing but a Broken Heart

So, I've been really sad the past couple of weeks. Seriously sad, imaginary cyberspace friend, and I keep hoping I will snap out of it, but nothing seems to be working. I have to keep reminding myself that as time passes, so will this sadness, but two weeks have passed and I still feel that sharp knife like it was the day it happened. Yes, imaginary cyberspace friend, I broke up with my boyfriend. I keep thinking about that Frasier (and I know there will probably be no one out there that will know this), where Roz has broken up with her boyfriend and she pretends she's okay and that it didn't really matter. But then Frasier gets a call where this lady breaks down and says she broke up with her boyfriend almost a year ago and she can't seem to get over it. Frasier says something to the effect that she wasn't grieving for the loss of the person, but for the loss of what, oh, how did he put it, the loss of what she thought her life was going to be. I am grieving for the person lost right now, but also for the loss of what I thought my life was going to be. My mother pointed out that I had given up on marriage (haha...little did she know that was pretty much all a front), but that I bloomed and was in love and she told me it was a beautiful thing. Something she had never seen before. And it was a beautiful thing. And a sad thing when it was over. I know there have been billions of broken hearts in this world, but I can't help but feel right now, in this moment, that my heart is more broken than any one else's (yes, I know extremely selfish and narrow minded...yeah, don't care right now). You know what, yes, that is what I'm grieving right now, the loss of the life I thought I would have because I still have the opportunity to be friends with the boy, so I can't say I've lost him. I really don't know. Maybe I've lost him, too. In this moment, I feel like I have nothing, nothing but a broken heart. Oh, and after Frasier hung up with the caller, he looked over and Roz was sobbing. Everything was not okay.

P.S. I'm taking 6 months off dating to try and fix my life. Will I reach my goal weight? Stay tuned.