Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Moment or The Most?

I just made up some motivational signs to, well, motivate me as I walk down to the basement (where my bedroom is). There's also one on my fridge that says, "Never trade what you want the Most for what you want this Moment." I have a hard time with that. I'm very much of the generation of this moment or nothing. There are so many songs written about this night only, or in this moment, or we don't know how long we have, etc, etc, etc. It's so moment to moment, that sometimes actually KNOWING what you want the most is the problem. In case there's someone out there who doesn't know this, I got a trainer at the beginning of the year. He's pretty good. Young, but good (sheesh, I am so old! At least, I keep making comments that make me sound old ;)). Our second sit down he gave me the speech of not trading what I want the most for what I wanted in the moment. This was intended for food. But I had been dwelling and writing about this topic for a couple of days before this sit down, so it stuck a big chord with me. If you read my last post, I have a food addiction and there are more times that I traded the moment for the most than I can ever seem to count. Having that mindset is difficult because while in the moment it is soooo hard to reach for the "most". It is essential to have a successful life, but it is difficult. I don't believe it is ever impossible, just difficult. It takes practice, discipline. Ahhh...discipline. Something else my generation lacks a great deal of. I have not been impressed with my generation in case you were wondering. I'm part of it. I can readily own up to my own apathetic past (hopefully not future). I just admitted that I live in the moment more than I am comfortable with, but I am hoping with the changes I have made in my life and continue to make that I will be a contributing member of this society instead of a drain on it. That was one of the most motivating factors to changing my life...I felt like I was not contributing to society. I wasn't living life, but letting it pass me by, not caring about neighbors, not doing service to those in my community, but basically living to fulfill my own selfish wants (not needs, wants). I had no legacy to leave behind. Hmmm...I believe I have blogged about this before. It takes dedication and discipline to change your life. It is not easy. There is no easy fix. No magic pill. No genie ready to grant wishes. There IS help if asked for (sometimes not asked for :)). But I think perhaps the first step to real change is figuring out what you DO want the most. When I moved down to Utah, the thing I wanted most was to get an education so I could go out and educate and help others with their lives, health wise. That is still my most for being down in Utah. In terms of my trainer and weight loss goals, what I want the most is to be healthy, to not get the debilitating diseases that come with being morbidly obese, to live a long time and to look really hot while doing it. Hey! I'm not perfectly humble. So, when I do eat terribly, I am forgetting that most. When I don't give my all during a workout or worse yet, choose to not workout, then I am giving in to the moment. I have come to realize over the past year that I hold myself to very high standards. But the thing is, I also know that failure to reach these very high standards can create some awesome lessons in my life. Lessons that I need to learn. Failure helps me to grow. It can help you, too, imaginary cyberspace friend. Those last couple of statements may contradict the rest of the blog, but really, both parts are vital. If you don't taste the bitterness of failure, how are you ever going to know the sweet taste of success? So, yes, I hold myself to these high standards, and I am trying to live more for the most than the moment, but sometimes I fail at this. I fail. Learn. Grow and reach again. But when I don't fail, oh, how sweet it is. 

Oh, the picture was chosen because it represents the biggest most in my life.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

One More Step

Well, I'm just sitting here on my floor listening to the Zac Brown Band and thinking about life. Do you ever do that, imaginary cyberspace friend? Just sit and be. No? Well, you should do it every once in a while. It's something I recommend because how can you be in tune with your own life if you don't sit and listen to it every once in a while? Listening to my life right now, I can tell you that I'm getting stronger physically, but my will to eat better has not gotten stronger. Eating has always been a struggle for me, ever since I've been a small child. Looking back, I don't see how there was any possible way I was going to get out of my childhood without developing a food addiction. And I didn't. Food is both my lover and my enemy. The addiction can take over when I least expect it, and I cannot stop obsessing about some food or another unless I go out and eat it. This is not a normal relationship with food. I can blame it on hormones all I want, but when I really sit down and listen, I know they are not wholly to blame. Yes, I'm a woman, so I will crave carbohydrates right before my period, but what about a week after? While I am eating, I'll feel so satisfied, but very shortly after, if I don't already feel sick from eating whatever, I will be literally racked with guilt because I know better. I've studied this stuff, and I know what I should and shouldn't put in my mouth, at what times of day I should eat certain things, and so on and so forth. Do you know how I knew I probably wouldn't get out of childhood without a food addiction? I was a food sneaker. Not just the occasional cookie or anything like that, I would sneak whenever I could. I obsessed over it. And I had teenage brothers who ate like crazy, so I don't think the food was missed that much. Then, as I got older, this turned into "drives" I took either by myself or with my sisters. We laugh about our "drives" now, but they were just another symptom for me. Unfortunately, and I've said this before, you just can't stop eating food. You need it to survive. I remember times when I was a teenager and I would just wish so much that all I needed to survive was a pill, that food didn't exist. I loved and hated it then, too. How to have a healthy relationship with food? I'm not sure, but I'm hoping to find out. It's like that will all addictions, I think. You just have to find that healthy relationship, either it's to cut it out of your life completely (smoking, alcohol, pornography) or to find a way to bring it back and make it work for your life in a way that is healthy and productive (I'll let you come up with those ones yourself). Now, I don't think I'm a hopeless case. Not at all. I don't think anyone is hopeless, to be completely honest. Within the confines of this food addiction, I have lost 80 lbs. Each of those pounds has been a victory against this addiction, and I want everyone to know how hard fought those 80 lbs have been. I have fought against this addiction every step of the way. Every single friggin' step (ah, Jim). But I think it's time I started asking for help with this thing. So, I ask for your help. If I'm not near you, then you are probably off the hook because I don't break bread with you that often, but if you are near, then I need your help whenever we do eat together. I need your encouragement. I know this is deeper than just eating a cookie, so I'm asking for your prayers to help me with whatever emotional/spiritual things that will come with asking for help and finally facing up to it. Really facing up to it and trying to break it.

This is just one more step down the road I started almost two years ago. A needed step that I've put off for too long. This is just a warning for whoever wants to achieve long lasting weight loss (after being overweight for a long time), you have to, just have to, deal with whatever brought you to gaining weight in the first place or what kept you at a heavy weight for a significant amount of time. It's never just because you're lazy. That's a symptom of what's really going on and if you do not deal with that, you will never, ever be whole.