Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Two Worlds

It is so late right now, but I just feel like I need to write. I don't usually feel this way, but for some reason, tonight, I do, so I'm going with it. I've been feeling a lack of motivation lately, imaginary cyberspace friend. When I first moved down to Utah, I had motivation in spades (is that the right term? Anyway...). I was set and ready to conquer the world. Not only my world of weight loss, but also the world of men. Well, I got down here and down to business. I started losing more weight and meeting men and dating (if you don't know what I mean, read some of my previous blogs). Well, then Christmas season hit and both parts of that world started to falter. This is pretty typical, but after the New Year, I was back on track. Well...I was back on track with my weight loss. And I told myself that was the most important thing anyway, so it didn't matter that I couldn't get a date to save my life (really...it was a good thing now that I look back on it). Valentine's Day came and went without any bite. I still told myself that I was working out and I was really looking good, so as long as I had that, I was still okay. But it was starting to wear me thin (yes, read the blog where I rant and rave about men). Then, I met Aaron and just like that, I had a boyfriend. He swept me off my feet, made me feel, well, good. He is a gentleman, always opening my door for me (and when he forgets...very rare..., I usually stand outside my door until he comes over). He came into my life like a whirlwind and stayed. I still remember telling a friend the night before our first date (which lasted 13 hours), that I was going to keep my heart open with this one. That he seemed different, and I felt ready to let someone in. And he was and I did.

So, why the lack of motivation? I had conquered (well, I was on my way to doing such) the world of men, but in the process, let the world of weight loss crumble. Did I build it on sand? I'm focusing so much on building this relationship, growing this fragile flower, if you will, that I have neglected other vital parts of me. It is starting to catch up. I believe one reason is that I realize the importance this relationship could have in my life and in the life to come, so to neglect that part of it in any way would be to put that life I want in jeopardy. I realize deep down inside of me that the Most is the building of this relationship, growing it in faith and love, building it on a rock solid foundation, so that when the storms do come (as they do and will), we will face them together and not apart. As this relationship has progressed, I am coming to realize something else: sometimes the things I thought were the most important things in life really aren't. Having a HOT body would be nice, but I realize that a healthy body, a body that can someday produce healthy children, is more important (and yes, I do realize Aaron will say this is the 31 year old baby hungry woman in me...apparently this is common, although I did not realize it). Being on a strict diet and loathing my body my entire life is not as important as enjoying life a bit and passing on a love of self to my children (yes, I KNOW). Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to be slothful and eat junk for the rest of my life, but I don't want that part of my world to dominate my life anymore. I want to love my body. I want to love the person that I am right now. Being healthy is important to me. Looking and being my best is important to me, but I will do it without sacrificing life. I'm trying to find this balance right now. I'm trying to incorporate this new idea into my life, while still building this relationship.

I've been mulling over this for about a month now, and I think I'm ready to balance it all out. I'm ready to join the two world. I tried at the beginning of the relationship to join them, but I tried to be just as intensive as I was before while putting an equal, if not more, intensity into this relationship and in the end, just felt burnt out and like I failed. Because no matter what world I was putting attention into, the other world got neglected. And the worse thing was I was starting to resent the relationship at times when I felt like a failure in the weight loss world. Of course, then I would just remember how miserable I was before the relationship world.... So, I think the solution to this all is combining them into a world of well, healthy living, for lack of a better phrase. A healthy relationship. A healthy diet. A healthy workout schedule. Nothing to the extreme, but with this, my one world will be so full.