I should be in bed and sleeping if I want eight hours of sleep tonight, but alas, I'm not. I just got done working out and I feel great! I've had the blahs for a few days now and I know it coincides when I don't exercise. I got it in my head (boo for psyching yourself out) that I was putting on too much muscle, but I wasn't eating good enough to lose weight, so I thought if I cut back on my workouts, then it would help trim the muscle back and help me to, well, that's about as far as I got. I don't know what it was supposed to help me with. And it was a stupid idea :). So, I spent a couple of weeks just doing little workouts. And sporadically as well. Not only did I feel much more sluggish, but my muscles didn't seem to decrease either. My fat seemed to want to jump on board, though. Hehe. Like I said. Stupid idea. So, I'm back to my regular regimen. I also went grocery shopping with my sister, Melanie, the other night. It felt really great to help her select healthier options (i.e. no trans fats or HFCS allowed!) and it also helped me to shop better. I loved it! That, to me, is just one more indication of what I should be doing with my life. We'll see. July 1st is only two days away. Hmmmm...maybe I'll move to Alaska and marry an ice road trucker. Hahaha. I really am feeling great and a little loopy because it's so late. I'm going to be so tired tomorrow. Oh, well. That's life. And I'm loving it. (Not McDonald's, but life).
Sunday, June 27, 2010
So, I've been feeling a bit blah today. Don't you just hate that feeling? You know, when there's really nothing out there that will lift your spirits? I know I do. This is when I usually exercise, but today I just don't feel like it. I also hate that feeling. Plus, I have to work, which may be the cause of my blahness. Hehe. I have a big decision right before me. Should I strike out on an adventure? Basically throwing away everything I've built here (which to be completely honest hasn't been that much) or do I stay here and just keep plodding along? Trying to make something of a life that I don't really like or want or imagined I would ever have. Hmmm...it doesn't seem like it would be a hard decision, but it is! The first involves risk and starting over at 30, which to me seems like I should have some stability in my life by time I'm 30. Staying here would mean stability, but starting over would mean making something of this life I've been given. It would be rough for a few years (well, the risk is there that it might be), but in the end, I think I would have a much more fulfilling career, and I would be making a difference, which is a need I have deep in my heart. It is almost a throbbing need to actually BE SOMETHING. Not famous or anything like that, but to have a life that I can look back on and be proud of. Something that allows me to leave a legacy behind. I have given myself a deadline of July 1st and until then, I am going to keep going back and forth. I know this about myself. I am an analytical person that has to have all my ducks in a row before I jump. But jump I will if it is the right thing for me.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
I know I said I would write a blog about reputation, but it's been almost a week, and I still don't have all my thoughts together on that one. It's kinda crazy when you think about reputation. I've been assigned a book at work called "Mojo" by Marshall Goldsmith because I lost my mojo for my job. I felt like I lost my mojo for many things, but work is important to me (heck, I like to eat and have electricity...call me a modern girl). So, I didn't want this loss of passion to start to reflect in my job performance. Anyways...I was given this book to read. The first part was about identity. The second part was about achievement and third part, which I'm on now has to do with reputation. Goldsmith defines reputation (and don't quote this because I don't have the book right in front of me) as something that is normal. The norm. Your reputation is not based on one big achievement, but the ability to achieve over and over again. That is how you gain a reputation. On the flip side, your reputation is not based on one terrible thing that you do, but if you do that terrible thing or many terrible things over and over again (murder aside...well, I guess that is how you get the reputation of serial killer instead of just killer). One thing he points out is how we are VERY, VERY aware of other's reputations, but we are rarely aware of our own reputations. And this, of course, got me thinking. Heck! I wouldn't be Stefanie if I wasn't thinking about something.
What is my reputation? This past week I have taken a good and long look at the many reputations I have with all the circles of people I associate with. It kind of baffles me to be quite frank how one group of people think I'm something completely different than another group. And I must take responsibility for this. I don't have control over other people's thoughts, but I do have control over my actions and the face that I show the world. We learn in school about the masks that we all wear and for some reason, that became okay. It is normal. The norm. Masks=Reputation. Hmmm....
We all know the reputation I have with boys. Shy, then clingy. I didn't really realize I had this reputation until this last break up. I knew I came off a bit strong at times, but I thought it was okay. What I didn't realize was every time I obsessed, I was building a reputation of a "crazy lady," but if I wasn't looking (and I wasn't, of course), then I do it over and over again. It becomes normal. The norm. Reputation.
Now, at work, I have quite the opposite reputation (although my co-workers might disagree :)). I have the reputation of being slightly serious, hard working and competent in my job. No crazy involved (hush up, Jim!)! If I am to be truly honest with myself, I also have the reputation with my boss of being not committed to my job and that stems from when I was first promoted. It was only to be temporary until I moved to New York to pursue a career in publishing. That was my norm for several months (didn't happen) and it became a reputation I have had to fight to overcome. I cannot control other people's thoughts, but I can change my actions. This has taken time (a few years time). You can change your reputation, but it will probably take time until others accept the new normal. The new norm. The new reputation.
This past week, I have also looked at my reputation in my Church. Throughout my life my reputation has always been the shy, but faithful one. Even if I didn't always feel it in my heart, I was always there...until a few years back when the phony facade I felt I had been putting up cracked. Unfortunately, about this time, I was starting out in a new area. No one knew my old reputation, my old normal. They only knew the new normal. Goldsmith warns that if you do not have the inner feeling of mojo, you can fake it for awhile, but it always, always catches up with you and usually the results are disastrous. To make a long story short, I gained a reputation of being pretty inactive in my attendance to anything, Church included. Of not being dependable. Basically, I was the employee everyone hates, if you want business speak. Disaster happened and I realized I needed to change my reputation within my Church. If I had been paying attention to my new normal, I perhaps could have avoided this new reputation, but the damage was done. All I could do was try to repair it. Make a new, new normal. This has taken a long time and I'm still not completely there, but I am closer, considering I still have to work a hectic schedule that includes Sundays. But, I try to be dependable. Whenever someone asks me to do something, or if I volunteer, I'm there. I'm not perfect, and I am not trying to give the impression that I'm perfect by ANY stretch of the imagination, but once I started looking at my normal, I knew I could change it. I'm still changing it. I had a couple of boys over from my Church and I think they were completely floored that I had the personality that I do. I guess that shows me I need to get out there more. :). They need to see the reputation that I want to have for myself and unless I physically show them, it does me no good. Because until then, I still have the reputation for being inactive and undependable. No one wants this normal. This norm. This reputation.
It has been an eye opening week. All of this, I knew, but I never really catalogued it all. I never examined it and what I could do to change what I didn't like. And how much power I have to change it! I realize I can't change what some people think of me because I will never see them again and the reputation I had when they left is the reputation I will always have with them. Sigh. Why can't we all be perfect. Oh, wait. I didn't vote for that plan. :D.
P.S. I guess writing it all down put my thoughts together.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
I woke up this morning thinking about my life. I laid in bed and came up with 15 things I wish I had known 15 years ago. I figure, I'm 30 now, so half my life could have benefited from this information. Here goes!
1) Exercise is my friend. Who cares what the boys think when you're shaking your thing in the gym!
2) Corn is subsidized by the government and therefore, is very cheap and processed into just about everything I eat that has a package around it. It has many names including, but not limited to modified or unmodified starch, glucose syrup, maltodextrin, crystalline fructose, ascorbic acid, lecithin, dextrose, lactic acid, lysine, maltose, HFCS (high fructose corn syrup), MSG, polyols, caramel color and xanthan gum (Source: Omnivore's Dilemma, Michael Pollan). And the only name that has any sort of nutritional value is corn, plain and simple.
3) Hand in hand with number 2 is the government is not my friend when it comes to diet. The poorest of us are the unhealthiest of us because processed food, made with processed (all the nutritional value of the grain has been taken out) ingredients subsidized by the government, is the cheapest thing out there, therefore the thing one with a limited budget will buy. Plus, we've become lazy and don't cook anymore, so we don't know what we're putting in our mouths. This includes me. Put that frozen burrito down!
4) The Carpenter's are cool.
5) Friendships are important, but family is forever, so be friends with your family.
6) The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true, so start reading your scriptures!
7) Your heart will be broken many times, but it's not the end of the world. So, stop being so dramatic and know that there will always be another boy that might be the one you will be able share all that is inside of you. Until that time comes, don't eat your feelings!!
8) Oh, you're still single by 30, so really, really enjoy your 20's and don't worry about it. Heck, maybe if I had enjoyed my 20s more, I wouldn't be single ;).
9) Your metabolism is not the way your body burns calories. Your metabolism is your biochemistry, your hormones. I know you think hormones are only something women have and that they only have to do with your period and why you are so cranky before it, but really, hormones are what make you go (or not go). (Source: Master Your Metabolism, Jillian Michaels) So, I say again, put down that frozen burrito and get off your butt!
10) Boys really, really don't get girls.
11) Girls really, really don't get boys.
12) You are not the best singer out there.
13) Because you are not the best singer out there, as you will discover in your first week in college, do not get discouraged and decide to go into History because it was an okay subject for you in high school (i.e. it was easy and didn't require proper grammar...ha! I had to write more papers for that degree than if I was an English major and do more research than if I was a science major). A BA in History is not marketable! Especially when you don't want to teach high school.
14) Don't be afraid to ask for help (this I am still learning, so I guess it's not something I know quite yet, but it 's still good advice nonetheless).
15) It's okay to love yourself. God does. That makes it okay.
Well, since I can't go back in time and tell my 15 year old self this, I have to tell my 30 year old self this. Learn from the past and move into a brighter future. I'm going to because I've learned it's never to late when I have a breath in my body to change and learn and grow.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
I have erased four different opening sentences so far...make that five. I got a haircut yesterday. I now again look like the blond goddess you see in the pictures scattered throughout my posts :). I brought in pictures from my last haircut, and I had to trust that my hair stylist would be able to basically recreate the most fabulous haircut I've ever had (not the same hair stylist I had last time). Every time I go in to get my hair done, I am putting my trust in a complete stranger to make me happy. To create something out of my overgrown, ratty, split end, two-tone hair. And every time, I have been happy with the result. I have found if I trust them and don't try to over-direct them, but tell them what I kind of want the end result to be, they will do it. It is a very intimate thing, having your hair cut. It is a part of you, yet I trust a complete stranger with this.
Hmmm...what do you think this post is going to be about? Hopefully, you, my imaginary cyberspace friend, have realized it is about trust. I have learned to trust complete strangers. I was born to trust my parents and they never did anything to breach that trust, so I still trust them. I trust my brothers and sisters to always have the best of thoughts and intentions for me. Heck, I trust my mechanic because he makes sure my car's running smoothly without charging me an arm and a leg.
But I don't trust myself. Because I have let myself down. Because I have had bad thoughts about myself and I have followed my bad intentions. Heck, I've even filled my tank up with so much crap that I can't even trust myself to eat correctly. And I wonder if everyone is like this to some degree or another. Or if anyone, but me thinks about things like this. Don't get me wrong...generally, I really like myself. I just can't trust the person inside fully.
GREAT! One more thing to work on...but I guess that's why we're on this Earth, huh. (Don't tell anyone, imaginary cyberspace friend, but I'm getting a little tired of finding things wrong with me. I think it's time to focus on the positive things more. Okay, you can tell other people).
Oh, and doesn't my hair look fantastic? :)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I had almost given up on this blog, but decided I should give it another go...what do you think? You know, I often wonder who I'm talking to when I say things like that out in cyberspace. These past few months have been interesting, to say the least. I met a boy and, like I seem to always do, drove him off. I take responsibility for that. I once had it pointed out, so I guess I'm responsible now. Have you ever seen, imaginary cyberspace friend, "Tommy Boy"? Do you remember the part where he and David Spade's character are in the restaurant after being they had the whole side of the car debacle where Spade whacked Farley across the face (funny stuff)? And Farley takes the roll and uses it to tell Spade why he can never seal the deal. That's how I feel when it comes to my love life. I see this perfect thing, and I'm doing great, but somehow I get to where I guess I'm afraid of it turning into something deeper and crash (picture the roll coming to pieces in his hands). But to tell the truth, imaginary cyberspace friend, I really don't know what I'm doing. I get a little better at it every time and this time, I thought I was going at the appropriate speed, but somehow I get to a certain point and BOOM, I just want everything at once. I want trust and a deep relationship (marriage if possible), and I want their whole world to slightly revolve around me, like I'm making my world revolve around them. And this is a bad thing! For one, I find that I start to lose myself when it comes to this point and I become VERY clingly. And as I have discovered, no man wants a clingy girl...oops. I am finding there is a fine line between attachment and cling wrap. Somehow I always seem to fall on the side of cling wrap. Stupid cling wrap...it never sticks on plastic bowls. That is a tangent, imaginary cyberspace friend.
P.S. Don't you love the Bridal Barbie photo? I thought it was appropriate :)