This next song has been a tough one to crack. If I am going backwards in my life, this would bring me to working out. I have so many songs that could fit the bill. There's one that I had decided on, "4 Minutes" by Madonna and Justin Timberlake, but the video wasn't exactly what I wanted on my blog...not that I'm a prude or anything but I cringed when I saw the bodies melting away, so...no. But here's the real problem: I have had so many other thoughts lately that don't correspond with a workout track that I haven't been inspired. How can I skip this most important part of my life? This is when I learned everything I have ever wanted to know about the human body and why I am like I am.
Why would I skip it?
I think it comes down to the fact that remembering that part of my life leads to unsettling thoughts in my current life where I am not as physically active, and I eat out, and I drink soda, and I have completely undermined everything I learned and accomplished. Here is the thing: when I was working out and eating right and all of the good things for my body...that is all I did. I would work out almost everyday, sometimes twice a day. I read books and blogs and articles about health. I decided then to make it my life's journey. It completely consumed my life and, as soon as I focused on anything else, my health would slip. It seemed as if I wanted to even maintain my current svelte body, it was the only thing I could do. There was no energy to do anything else. You know, besides the basics of work and religion.
I realized this on my way back to Utah yesterday. I had to drive 10 hours alone, something I usually enjoy, but yesterday was rough. The thinking part was rough, I should say. As I contemplated that time in my life, in anticipation of writing this, and coming to the above realization, I started to cry. I don't think I ever grieved over the loss of my work. I've realized some great things about my life and about my journey here on this earth, but, in order to do that, I sacrificed my physical health. If you go back to my Four Pillars (bloghttp://thoughtsofstefanie.blogspot.com/2013/08/four-pillars.html), I've been spending the greater part of these almost two years trying to accomplish them. I thought for sure that the physical pillar was the thing that was wrong. How could it not? But then, if you read it, gaining weight was a manifestation of something else going on in my life. I still work out. All of the time. But weight was not coming off.
One thing I learned the first time was there is always a cause of your weight gain. If it is medical, that's an easy one to figure out (and yes, getting older is a medical condition ;-)). If it is emotional, then, that could be more difficult to sort out. Bear with me, Imaginary Cyberspace Friend, this is about to blow your mind. If the emotional or mental pillar is out of whack, I gain weight. There is no other way my body knows how to respond. This will be great for the Zombie Apocalypse when I need this genetic ability, but right now...no. But I've conquered this before. I won. I figured out the way my body reacts. I know ways to combat this, such as focusing solely on my health. This past year of taking off school was supposed to be the year to do that. Things got in the way. I put it off. Stressors entered my life. Then, I decided it was time to date.
And here is the mind blowing part: I need my future husband to fall in love with this body. More to the point: I need my future husband to see past this mortal, fragile, always changing body and see everything else I have to offer. When I was thin and tall and gorgeous (I'm still tall and gorgeous), lust was all men sought me for. It's a very "used up" feeling to deal with. It is also something I will not stand for anymore. Here's another thing I don't do anymore: compete in the dating world. I know this doesn't have anything to do with my workout track, but meh...it's my blog. I don't see a husband and a wedding as winning some sort of prize. I will date, and I will show men my charming, funny, charismatic personality. I will make time for another person. But I will not compete for his attention among other women whom he chooses to pursue. I will politely thank him for his time and move on. Now, this isn't to say I won't give him plenty of chances to realize how amazing I am because I will. And I will make him a top priority/concern in my life. I was talking with my mother about dating this past week and we both came to the same conclusion that while we both want(ed) marriages (she's remarried), we have never been in the position of needing them. Heck, if I was only waiting around for a man, my life would suuuuuck. I've been able to do so many great, fantastic things! And I've been able to know myself so much better, as an individual.
That being said: I'm ready to move on. Where this takes me, I don't know. But I'm excited for the ride.
This track doesn't fall in the timeline of when I started working out, but it's on my current workout list. It reminds me that while I was busy waiting for the "best part to come along" I wrote, I dreamed, I played, I loved, I built, I gained, I lost, I lived. Also...Celine Dion.