Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Bo-ored


Well, I was bo-ored tonight! I got home around 4ish from work and immediately checked my facebook page (doesn't everybody?), found nothing of real interest. Decided to play a game of Mahjong Titans (I won!), then checked my email. At this point it is about 5 o'clock and dinner is in the oven. But I've run out of things to do. Bored. I look around my room and my eyes land on the book I've been trying to finish for awhile (Stephenie Meyer's "The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner") So, I lie down on my bed to finish the book. I fall asleep. The timer for my dinner wakes me, so I go out and enjoy a dinner of half an organic baked potato with chili and a little cheese on top, some grapefruit and some milk. I turn on the Redbox movie I picked up on the way home (When in Rome). I stare at the television for an hour and a half being amused by other people's depictions of "real" life and love (gag me). The movie wasn't that bad and if you like John Heder flashbacks, you'll enjoy this one. So, it's about 7:30 at this point. And I am still bored with my night. I lay back down on my bed and pick up my book once again (after I checked facebook because why not). This time I finish it. Eh. It kind of felt like she was trying to do a watered down version of Bella (or what Bella would have been like if she had been a vampire to begin with). Not super impressed, but then again, I think I'm through with my Twilight faze. Eclipse (the movie) did not impress me greatly and it was supposed to be the best one so far. Eh. I am still bored. I check facebook again. Email again. Play another game of Mahjong Titans, losing this time. Then I played a game of Hearts, again losing. Bo-ored. And I think to myself, "what can I do to entertain myself that doesn't cost any money?" Well...I was going to workout, but it was only 8:30 at this point, which is still a little early for me to go to my little gym. You see, imaginary cyberspace friend (ah, you didn't think I was talking to you this whole time, did you?), I don't particularly like working out in front of other people. Especially when I'm doing a Jillian workout. Although, come to think of it, I do them much better when I have an audience because I would hate to think someone would see the size of me and automatically judge me unworthy of being able to complete a Level 3 Jillian workout...but I digress (and they would be oh, so wrong). Anyway, I get all my stuff together and head out to my little gym, actually meeting people along the way because there's still a little bit of light left. I have my earphones in, so I can start my mental focus on the job ahead (hehe...I just don't really want to talk to anyone along the way). I arrive and to my great pleasure, my friend, Tony, is there. Usually I see Tony in the mornings, but he was there tonight doing his 25 minutes of walking. We strike up a conversation (I'll always take my headphones out for Tony). Now, Tony is an 83 year old California native and his grandson is coming in from NYC tomorrow. They are heading to a big family reunion where about 75 people will attend. Then, later this month he'll be going to a wedding and then attending his class reunion down in California. I learn all this and much more in the few minutes we chat before his 25 minutes are done and he says his goodbyes. Sigh. I'm going to miss Tony when I move. I start in on my warm-up, which is 5 minutes of progressively faster walking and moving my arms around to wake them up. I jump up and down a bit and then I'm ready to hit it. Tonight I'm listening to the original Twilight soundtrack to start off with (even though I'm basically through with Twilight, the soundtrack still rocks). Supermassive Black Hole starts up and I can feel this is going to be a great workout. There are times when I just know from the beginning how the workout will end. Sometimes I feel just so sluggish, I know I'm going to stop halfway through. Today, nothing was going to stop me from finishing all 5 circuits of training. Music pumps through me as I jump, pump, squat and swing. As I roll up and lie down, as I look in the mirror and see a hot girl looking back, with sweat dripping down her face, eyes determined (and perhaps a little smile every once and a while, then back to business). I finish up with a long stretch, trying to draw it out because I know once I get back to my apartment, boredom will be waiting for me. But I have to leave. Oh! Side note. During one of my cardio circuits I looked out the window and there was this creepy man just staring at me. Watching me do harpy's (which if you know what those are, they are not very attractive to behold, I'm sure. I think that's what made it creepy). I stopped and went into a ball on my mat for a minute, ready to lunge if he decided to come in. He didn't (good for him, as I am kind of ready to try out my martial arts moves on a person). I get back to my apartment and put all my stuff down (I carry 26 lbs of weights to the gym) and it is only about 10:30. Too early to go to bed. Plus, I'm all sweaty and gross, so I can't anyway. Hmmm...what to do, what to do. I've already watched a movie. I guess I'll check my facebook. Man, I am bo-ored.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Food Addict With a Stomach Ache

I am sitting here at the computer, nursing a stomach ache because I decided I had nothing better to do than lay on the couch and watch SNL (Michael Buble was on, so...) and eat dark chocolate covered blueberries. And now my stomach hurts and it's 2 am. I should be sleeping like a good girl, having eaten healthy all day long and exercised extensively because it was my day off. Hmmm...I did do a Jillian workout, but I wouldn't call it extensive. So, that's 0 out of 3 for the day (no eating healthy, not enough exercise, no good girl). Ugh. I hate looking back on days like this, but it seems like more and more days are getting to be like this. Does this ever happen to you? I'm talking to you, imaginary cyberspace friend. Do you ever wake up in the morning, full of enthusiasm for the day and planning to be this great person, then go throughout the day, making little "mistakes" and by the end of the day, you find yourself in a sugar coma, laying on the couch, watching Poker After Dark and thinking to yourself, "what happened?" No? Well, it has happened to me on more than one occasion and I must admit, I don't like it. Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite because I can't seem to make the right food choices all the time or I workout, but I quit halfway through because I just don't want to. (Oy, my stomach hurts) Sometimes, imaginary cyberspace friend, don't you just feel like a spectator in your own life. I know that sometimes time passes by and I look back and see...nothing. It is at times like this that I am glad I am going to be making changes in my life. It gives me hope that one day, I may be able to conquer this food addiction (sweet, sweet food), but at 2 am on a Sunday morning, with a stomach ache, it seems like I will forever be a spectator, an addict...watching myself reach my hand into the bag and pulling out another handful. Not being able to stop myself...and no amount of thinking "stop!" is going to persuade me from doing anything else. Man...I need a life. Sorry, that thought just popped into my head. Focus. And you know what the dumbest thing is? I keep thinking: "well, they were chocolate covered blueberries, so maybe I was eating healthy." Sorry, I just snorted with disgust at my thinking.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Ugh. My Arms Are Fat

I would just like to clarify that Jim does not suck. For the record. Now that's out of the way...I can get on to my real blog topic. I was looking at some pictures that were posted of me tonight and right away I started critiquing them and looking at what I didn't like and how I compared to the rest of the people. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I had to mentally stop myself. Why do I do that? I can't look at a picture of myself and see a pretty smile or great hair. No. It's "oh, my arm looks fat in this picture...I hate it then" or "Seriously big head, Stef (comparing myself to others)" or "maybe I shouldn't be wearing that pink shirt." But in every picture there's always something I like or should like. I've always wanted to be one of those people that automatically likes herself for who she is and doesn't care what anybody else thinks, but I've never been like that. I have gotten better over the years (thank goodness for getting older!), but tonight just illustrated that I'm just not there yet. I'm not to the point of not caring what other people think. I think most women are like this. Not all, but most. And, as we all know, it has to do with the idea of perfection that has been our guiding light in this world. Perfection in magazines, television, Internet, movies, etc. Even though we are told over and over again, "this is an illusion", we still strive for a small sliver of this in our lives. Heck, if we didn't, we would all be wearing sack cloth and not showering. Hmmm...with that last statement, I'm going to say that a little perfection is perfectly okay. I think I'll go back and look at those pictures and find 5 good things about them. Yes, 5 is a good number since I only found 3 bad things (that I'm admitting to).

Monday, July 12, 2010

Easy as Pie

So, I was going to make a pie last night, but I didn't have all the stuff, so I didn't.

P.S. Jim...you suck.

Hmmm...it's almost like this blog entry wrote itself :))

Lovey


I've been feeling really lovey lately. I don't know what it is, but I feel the romance in my air...which is strange. Really strange. Well, if you consider when I should have been feeling all lovey, I was very pragmatic and slightly distant, I think it's strange. Right now is the time to be pragmatic and focused and everything opposite of feeling lovey is. (By the way, is lovey a word? Guess I'll find out when I hit the spell check button :)) I think it all started when I watched "My Life in Ruins", ya know, the one with the chick from "My Big, Fat Greek Wedding" who I can never remember her name, but is awesome nonetheless? I watched that movie and when it was done, just felt like a teenager who had a new crush (not on the chick, but the general feeling of crushing on someone). There's no better word to describe it, but lovey. I wanted to find a boy and just curl up next to him and tell him things. I think it's called cuddling. Hehe. I thought the feeling was a temporary thing because, as you all probably know, the feeling of a crush fades and is either replaced by love or hate or friendship or nothing at all. The lovey feeling, however, has remained. I found myself watching 5 hours of "Pride and Prejudice" last night. I have not watched it in years! Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan and I own both the original and the new, shorter one, but I haven't felt lovey enough in years to actually sit down and watch it. Last night, I came into my room looking for a movie to watch and immediately went for it. I usually think about what mood I'm in and then look through the movies to see which one I haven't seen in awhile and sometimes it's a hassle to just figure out which movie I want to watch (ahhh...the joys of being an analytical person). But last night it was all about Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth. Oh, and it could be no one else, but Colin Firth last night. I think when a girl watches the 5 hour version of "Pride and Prejudice" she has to be in an intense lovey mood. Because it's 5 hours of longing looks and well, pride and prejudice that culminates in that last fantastic scene where Darcy proposes again and Lizzy says her feelings are "quite the opposite" and Darcy gets this little grin on his face. I'm giggling and smiling just a little as I type. And I just sighed. Yup, I'm in a definite lovey mood. And I'm just throwing it out there, but is there anyone who wants to cuddle right now? Anyone? Anyone? I believe I'm hearing crickets right now.


I just did the spellcheck and lovey is a word. Woot!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Decision Made

So...decision made. I announced it last night on facebook if anyone read the last part of my status. Sorry about that people. I was so exhausted from Silverwood and having to drive both ways (Matt), that I just posted the status and hit the pillow, only to get up 4.5 hours later to get ready for work. So, after a long nap today, I feel like I can spell it out for everyone who is interested :).
First off, I never chose Utah. It was chosen for me. For all of you who don't know, I lived and went to school in Utah for about 3.5 years. It was a great experience, but by the end, I was ready to move on with my life. I had my degree and was ready to get out there and use it! The only problem was, it is the wrong degree to have a career with. I have found that I like History, but I don't love it. It is not a passion for me. But I felt I was stuck with it and was doomed to be unhappy in my professional life forever because of it. A couple years back, I started losing weight and learning all I could about weight loss and exercise, and I just soaked it up. I loved it, and I loved telling people about it. I found I wanted to help all of my friends and people kept coming to me for advice, which I freely gave, but I was still unhappy with my professional life. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I just don't feel fulfilled with it. About a year ago, I was running on the treadmill in my little gym, just feeling blue about my life and I prayed. I didn't know what or where I wanted to be with my life. Do you ever feel like you're in the middle of the ocean and any direction could be land, you just have no idea which one will be right? So, I said, Father, I will go where you want me to go. And just cleared my mind and almost immediately it came to my mind "You need to move back to Utah." WHAT?! Perhaps you didn't know this, but I've already been there, done that. Eh? "You need to move back to Utah." I kept running. Slightly confused, but knowing it did not come from me because, no offense anyone who lives in Utah (and you know it can't be great when a sentence has "no offense" in it), but it is not my first choice. I wasn't even thinking Utah. It was outside of my realm of possibility. Utah, to me, means a place to go to school and leave...which I did. Oh, well. I guess I was going back to Utah. But when and for what reason followed about 11 months later.
I was having a bad day at work. If you've been reading some of my status updates on facebook, you might have noticed me using the word mojo in some of them. As in, I lost mine. I love my job, but I had lost my mojo for it. I was incomplete and it was starting to show. I felt, as my boss put it, that I was in limbo. Just floating, waiting for something to happen. It was after this, that I could have smacked myself in the face with what I really wanted to do and what my life had been leading up to for these past two years. Hello? What did I soak up? What was my life evolving in to? And how could I use this passion to help other people? I started just to research what it would take to become a Registered Dietitian. If I was going to do this, I wanted to do it right. I didn't want to fluff around with my life anymore. Then, panic hit. I am 30 years old! I need to be in a stable job and continue saving for retirement. I would only have, what, 30 years in my career if I started over. Wait. 30 years? That's a long time. I could do this. It would be hard for a few years, but I could do this. I went back and forth for almost a month. I researched schools and found that no matter where I went, I would have to move. The moment I clicked on "find schools" on the eatright.org website, and all major schools in Utah had the program I wanted, a light went on. Aha. But the place I really wanted to go was the University of Utah. (Shush all my BYU friends and family :)) So, in order to go there and not pay an arm and a leg, I have to move to Utah and move soon (lease ends end of August) to get residency and hopefully be able to start school in the fall of 2011. I plan to do it right this time. Be involved in ALL of my classes and actually use the help that is provided by the University. I know I will have a greater desire to study because this is what I actually WANT to do with my life. This will allow me to learn greater things and then pay it forward with the knowledge I gain. To leave my legacy. Oh, and the mid-singles program looks much more enticing there...not that it had anything to do with my decision, but I'm just sayin'.
So, there you go. I'm moving to Utah...again. I am very, very excited to be near Jenna and Sara and Matt and all of my family down there, but I will miss my family here. I am sad that just as soon as Melanie and her family moved back all of this happened in my life. I will miss them terribly. I am also going to miss my mom. I don't think it has hit me yet, but I am going to miss her so much!! This family also included my B&N family here, too (hopefully, I will get to transfer because school is not free!).
Wow. Writing it all down has made it real. I'm doing this. Now, I just need a place to live and a job/transfer....
Oh, and I have a goal for the next two months. I want to lose 40 more lbs. by time I travel down there. I can do it. I have all the tools I need, I just have to put them into practice. :).