Growing Up Fat

As you know, Imaginary Cyberspace friend, I am on a quest to lose weight and get to my goal/healthy weight. So, I was sitting home tonight after work. I had decided to go to the gym because I didn't have anything else to do, and I hadn't worked out yet, today, but as I was walking out, something stopped me. It was one of those, don't go to the gym tonight type of feelings. Don't get me wrong, I was pumped to go to the gym, but something made me turn back and go inside. I don't know why, I still don't know why, but I stayed home tonight. Putting off working out at home, I turned on the television and flipped through the channels...Spongebob? Nope, already seen that one (guilty pleasure o' mine). Golden Girls? Not really feeling that tonight. High stakes poker? Nah...keep scrolling, scrolling (drool is starting to form on the side of my mouth and I can feel my brain turning mushier). Finally, I get to the movie channels. Nothing looks that great. I have my choice between The Fast and the Furious and a Lifetime Original Movie. Guess which one I choose? I choose the Lifetime movie called To Be Fat Like Me, starring that girl from the Big Bang Theory. Do you know the one, Imaginary Cyberspace friend? I was hesitant because, well, it was a Lifetime movie, right? But the screen glowed before me and I didn't want to keep searching for something else.

 So, quick synopsis of the movie. You have this girl named Allison who is a high school jock. She ends up hurting her leg and loses out on a scholarship, so instead she partners with a girl that apparently hates her, and comes up with the idea to do a documentary on being fat. She was going to dress up in a fat suit and basically show that personality can overcome any sort of prejudice. This took place during summer school. Well, her first day of school, she ends up coming in late and while she's going down the aisle in her fat suit, she gets moo'd at. It was not a good first day of school. She tries to hang out with the cool kids, but all they can seem to do is shun her, so she ends up making friends with the other fat girl in class and the geek boy (apparently this is the fat girl male equivalent...I like geeks personally ;)). Throughout the whole movie, everything is shown a bit to the extreme on what growing up and being a fat child/teenager is like. In one scene during the movie, Allison and her new fat friend, I want to say is named Rain, are having a heart to heart in a car. Rain reaches over and grabs a candy bar out of her glove box. Allison just looks at her when she is offered one. Rain then says, "It's my secret stash, we all have one." I paused at that. I used to sneak food all the time. I would get candy and deli foods from the grocery store and either eat them on the way home, or I would stash them away for later. They never did last long. Huh. Rain then talks about how an alcoholic can survive without alcohol, but a fat person is presented with food at least 3 times a day. Huh. That is something I've always thought. Food addiction is different than any other addiction.

Well, in the end, it shows that Allison is more aware of how fat teenagers are treated and shows greater empathy for her mother who has struggled with her weight, but, well, I was unsettled with how it ended. She still ends up getting the hot guy, and the resolution with her mother shows Allison treating her like a child and the mom conceding. Rain just kind of disappears after her part is played, as does her geek friend (who Rain had a major crush on) and I thought, if I were writing this movie, I would have let Rain end up with the boy and Allison with no one, but a profound sense of shame for being a skinny, stuck up jock. Then I sat back and realized that, no, it ended like real life. The pretty girl got the boy, Rain got, well, I don't know what she got. Apparently that wasn't the point of the movie. I like to think that Rain grew up, got out of dodge and realized that people were better and nicer in college...well, maybe they were, maybe they weren't.

I turn off the television. I'm kind of sick of watching television, but then I started thinking. Did growing up fat have that great of an impact on my adult life? And I had to answer honestly, yes. Was I made fun of? Sure. Was I passed over? All the time. Was I ever embarrassed of my weight? Every day. There are two moments that really stick out in my head. The first was when I was a senior in high school and we took a trip down to Southern California. We were in Knott's Berry Farm and there was a ride that went upside down, over water. I was excited because I loved rides like this, but when I got on, and the bars on the seat came down automatically, something stalled. A worker came over to my seat and tried to adjust it so the bar would lock down, but to no avail. I had to get off because I was too fat. So, I stood on the edge and watched my sister and her friend go on the ride. The next instance happened during the summer after high school. I was working at K-Mart (ahhhh...K-Mart) as a cashier when a man came up and just stared at me. I looked at him, just wondering what he was doing and then he told me I was the biggest woman he had ever seen (I am 5'10"). And then he just kept staring. I wanted to run and hide, but I couldn't. I had to just stand there and take it because I didn't know what else to do.

Now, I realize this was a long time ago and I am in much better shape than I was then, but just tonight (tonight!!), I was purchasing some protein bars at Target. The cashier was a man, probably in his early 20's, good looking and he was being a very friendly cashier (as you should be!), plus there was a very, very good looking man standing right behind me, listening in. The cashier was telling me he was counting down the minutes until the end of his shift, and just getting of my own shift from work, I told him I knew exactly what he was feeling like. Then, he asked if I had any plans for the evening, and I looked at the good looking man/boy, felt my cheeks flush and said, no. Then, I mumbled that I was going to workout. Now, you might think that my cheeks were flushing because he asked if I had any plans, but no. They were flushing because I thought if I told him I was working out, he would look at my body (as would the hot guy behind him) and realize just how fat I am. That I really, really needed to work out and that I was probably the biggest woman they had ever seen. I walked out of Target feeling mad! Why do I still have thoughts like these!?! So, when I asked myself if growing up fat has affected my adult life, heck, yes it has! To this day.