Bitter...Alone...Bitter

So, I went out with a guy last night. He had everything I had decided I wanted. He's divorced. A father already. He's older than me. He has a job. A house. Basically, a grown-up. The date went well. Really well. But I have doubt. I have been burned so many times lately that how can I expect anything else? I want to go on a second date, but it seems like whenever I am interested...he's not or visa versa. I was talking with my roommates the other night as we were going out to get ice cream at Ice Berg, and I told them that I still HAD to have hope. If I gave up hope completely, where would that leave me in life? Not a place I want to live, that's for sure. Bitter...alone...bitter. Did I mention bitter? A bitter person is a person I don't want to be around and if I became that person, I would not want to be around myself. But that nagging doubt is still there. Is he going to turn out to be a jerk like the rest? I have hope that he's not, but every encounter with the opposite sex diminishes that hope. Then, there's that whole "I'm not good enough for him" feeling that I'm having. Which, I must admit...is a new feeling. But then again, I have never dated a grown-up before. Even the men who were older than he is right now were not grown-ups. Not really in any sense of that word. Well, I was really concerned about this. Because seriously this new feeling/insecurity is something I do not need! So, I took it to God. I told Him that I didn't feel like I deserved someone or something like that. I don't always live my life perfectly (duh! This is not the time to BE perfect!). And as I was praying, I just felt my heart drop further and further realizing that no matter what I did, nothing would work (yes, I know that probably doesn't make much sense, but it is how I legitimately felt). I decided to do yoga then. I needed the meditation just to calm this feeling of not being good enough. And I wasn't just feeling not good enough about my date at this point. He was (almost) secondary. I go about doing yoga and I can feel my heart and mind calming down as I breath in and out, move and stretch my body. Suddenly, I look over to my book, Divine Signatures by Gerald Lund. I pick it up and open to the next chapter I'm going to read. And this was right there:

Some individuals...may discount or dismiss in their personal lives the availability of the tender mercies of the Lord, believing that "I certainly am not one who has been or ever will be chosen." We may falsely think that such blessings and gifts are reserved for other people who appear to be more righteous or who serve in visible Church callings. I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and the the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us.... Each of us can have eyes to see clearly and ears to hear distinctly the tender mercies of the Lord as they strengthen and assist us in these latter days. -David A. Bednar

I know there are so many people out there who do not feel good enough. People in all sorts of professions, and in every sort of circumstance in life. Satan is there to reinforce this whenever he can. This is not the life to be perfect in. This is the life to prove that we are good enough. God already knows this about us. He does. When we feel we are good enough, I think we will treat others like they are good enough. This goes back to the bitterness that I could allow in my life. It would be easy to be consumed by it. To count up all the wrongs that have been built up against me, but I refuse. I refuse to let my past consume my future. To let past disappointments determine future happiness. And there will be happiness. Great happiness. I can feel it. Almost touch it. Because the time to be happy is...now.