Track 8

"I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston

I tried to go to bed at a decent time tonight, I really did try. But it seems as if my brain was screaming, "WRITE!" So, here I am. 2 am and feeling very contemplative. I love these moods. Most times I learn something new about myself that just needs to come out. These past few months, I've stripped my life down to the bare minimum. I had to. I had to strip off, layer by layer, every wall I had erected around me, every lie I had told to myself, every doubt that I had buried and every dream, too. I don't know about you, Imaginary Cyberspace Friend, but for most of my life, I've been busy. I've been busy with work and friends and family and school (so much lovely school) and binge watching the latest Netflix series (or waiting for next week's episode of The X-Files).

It was a full life. I like a full life. I like being productive and busy. It was one of my greatest walls. But I have found that, in all of this busyness I was forgetting important things. I was forgetting my childhood. And it disturbed me that when I tried to think of even important events or experiences that I thought shaped my life, I could only bring up maybe an image of a picture that had been taken.

Hmmm...maybe I should get my brain scanned.

During this time of stripping down, I took two trips to Prosser, WA, my hometown and the loveliest little town you will ever visit. No, I am not biased at all. Visiting there, I realized I needed to remember this block of my life again. I was fortunate enough to meet up with one of my best friends from high school, Mari, and we were able to take many walks down memory lane. I didn't tell her, before these two visits, that I had barely a recollection of my time there. I knew all the landmarks, of course, but I just couldn't picture myself in them. It was like my whole life began after I left there. Which, in a way, it did, I suppose. There were so many remember when's I didn't remember at first. But the funny thing is, the more I talked, the more I walked around Prosser and the more I reminisced, the more I remembered. I remembered sitting in that little hallway between the yearbook room and the library, eating lunch or trying to finish homework for my afternoon classes (I was and still am such a procrastinator). I remember yearbook deadlines with all the proofs laid out on library tables. Forget dances, those were the best nights of high school. I love the rush of deadlines still because of those nights. I love writing because of those nights (and days).

I remember singing in the choir room. I remember singing a duet of "Count On Me" and forgetting the words because I didn't take the time to learn them properly. I remember singing in a competition my sophomore year in high school and being on top of the world because it went so well. I remember singing solos in choir concerts. Tracy, my voice teacher, I know wanted me to sing classics, but I insisted on singing Mariah Carey or the above mentioned song, for example. She knew best. My voice is made for operatic songs. I remember Disneyland the most, in terms of singing. Tracy did get me to sing Mozart's Alleluia there and it was amazing. It was probably the best performance I've had in my entire life (did I peak in high school??).

I remember I found my place in yearbook and in choir in high school. And academics, but that was secondary, right? Yeah, that was just a Johanson thing. But you know what I've found in the rest of my life? My place is in academics. It is learning that has kept me growing all of these years. It has been the joy of my life. Stripped down to the core, there it was. My love of learning. I have thought about this several times over the years but it never seemed right to pursue. I think my life had to come basically full circle to bring me back into focus. The core of who I am is complicated, it is simple, it is yin and it is yang (too much?). But it yearns to help others always. The core of who I am is a teacher. It always has been. In every job I've been in, I have enjoyed the mentoring part most (whether I was giving or receiving). Mentoring is just a fancy word for teacher, right? After thinking about this for months now and realizing this was always supposed to be my life's work, I'm going back to school for my teaching certificate. I know the school systems aren't perfect. But no place is. I hope to one day walk down the halls of a high school and help students become their best selves, to create that core that will carry them throughout their lives. I hope some of them love to learn as much as I do.

In the meantime, I need to find a job. Another thing I've learned is that the future isn't planned. I might hope to make plans and have hope for things to come, but maybe I find a job that I love and continue to be a student, instead of a teacher. That future would be okay, too. In fact, it just might be fantastic. I have a plan, but whatever will be will be.

All that being said, you might be wondering why I chose "I Will Always Love You" as Track 8. For one, it is Whitney's best song. Ever. No argument. I listened to the top 10 on the radio for so many weeks, just waiting to hear this #1 song. I'm sure I still have it recorded on a tape somewhere. Yes, I still have one case of tapes. I also have it on two CDs and downloaded (I may be listening to it over and over right now...that saxophone solo, man!). Two, it is a song dedicated to my past. Specifically, my middle and high school years. I could have written paragraphs more on the memories that have flooded back to me of those years, but I'll leave you with just one more thought. I've never really come back to live in Prosser since I moved away after high school. Sure I lived in the Tri-Cities for awhile, but only very short stints in Prosser (usually between schooling or jobs). I never thought I would want to live there permanently, to be completely honest. But I felt such love and acceptance from everyone I met up with there. This little magical place where it didn't matter if I wasn't perfect or if I wasn't in the best place in my life. I was loved for exactly who I was at the moment. It made me want to be a better person. It made me want to be a more authentic person. It made me want to LOVE! I will always love you, my hometown (and not in the bittersweet way the song describes :)).

P.S. Mr. X tried many times to step on my keyboard as I was writing this. He is such a CAT. I love him.

P.P.S. Tracy, if you are reading this, I promise the next time I decide to come into town, you will be the first person I notify. Okay, maybe second after my mother to verify I have a place to stay ;-).




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