What's Normal?

I know I said I would write a blog about reputation, but it's been almost a week, and I still don't have all my thoughts together on that one. It's kinda crazy when you think about reputation. I've been assigned a book at work called "Mojo" by Marshall Goldsmith because I lost my mojo for my job. I felt like I lost my mojo for many things, but work is important to me (heck, I like to eat and have electricity...call me a modern girl). So, I didn't want this loss of passion to start to reflect in my job performance. Anyways...I was given this book to read. The first part was about identity. The second part was about achievement and third part, which I'm on now has to do with reputation. Goldsmith defines reputation (and don't quote this because I don't have the book right in front of me) as something that is normal. The norm. Your reputation is not based on one big achievement, but the ability to achieve over and over again. That is how you gain a reputation. On the flip side, your reputation is not based on one terrible thing that you do, but if you do that terrible thing or many terrible things over and over again (murder aside...well, I guess that is how you get the reputation of serial killer instead of just killer). One thing he points out is how we are VERY, VERY aware of other's reputations, but we are rarely aware of our own reputations. And this, of course, got me thinking. Heck! I wouldn't be Stefanie if I wasn't thinking about something.

What is my reputation? This past week I have taken a good and long look at the many reputations I have with all the circles of people I associate with. It kind of baffles me to be quite frank how one group of people think I'm something completely different than another group. And I must take responsibility for this. I don't have control over other people's thoughts, but I do have control over my actions and the face that I show the world. We learn in school about the masks that we all wear and for some reason, that became okay. It is normal. The norm. Masks=Reputation. Hmmm....

We all know the reputation I have with boys. Shy, then clingy. I didn't really realize I had this reputation until this last break up. I knew I came off a bit strong at times, but I thought it was okay. What I didn't realize was every time I obsessed, I was building a reputation of a "crazy lady," but if I wasn't looking (and I wasn't, of course), then I do it over and over again. It becomes normal. The norm. Reputation.

Now, at work, I have quite the opposite reputation (although my co-workers might disagree :)). I have the reputation of being slightly serious, hard working and competent in my job. No crazy involved (hush up, Jim!)! If I am to be truly honest with myself, I also have the reputation with my boss of being not committed to my job and that stems from when I was first promoted. It was only to be temporary until I moved to New York to pursue a career in publishing. That was my norm for several months (didn't happen) and it became a reputation I have had to fight to overcome. I cannot control other people's thoughts, but I can change my actions. This has taken time (a few years time). You can change your reputation, but it will probably take time until others accept the new normal. The new norm. The new reputation.

This past week, I have also looked at my reputation in my Church. Throughout my life my reputation has always been the shy, but faithful one. Even if I didn't always feel it in my heart, I was always there...until a few years back when the phony facade I felt I had been putting up cracked. Unfortunately, about this time, I was starting out in a new area. No one knew my old reputation, my old normal. They only knew the new normal. Goldsmith warns that if you do not have the inner feeling of mojo, you can fake it for awhile, but it always, always catches up with you and usually the results are disastrous. To make a long story short, I gained a reputation of being pretty inactive in my attendance to anything, Church included. Of not being dependable. Basically, I was the employee everyone hates, if you want business speak. Disaster happened and I realized I needed to change my reputation within my Church. If I had been paying attention to my new normal, I perhaps could have avoided this new reputation, but the damage was done. All I could do was try to repair it. Make a new, new normal. This has taken a long time and I'm still not completely there, but I am closer, considering I still have to work a hectic schedule that includes Sundays. But, I try to be dependable. Whenever someone asks me to do something, or if I volunteer, I'm there. I'm not perfect, and I am not trying to give the impression that I'm perfect by ANY stretch of the imagination, but once I started looking at my normal, I knew I could change it. I'm still changing it. I had a couple of boys over from my Church and I think they were completely floored that I had the personality that I do. I guess that shows me I need to get out there more. :). They need to see the reputation that I want to have for myself and unless I physically show them, it does me no good. Because until then, I still have the reputation for being inactive and undependable. No one wants this normal. This norm. This reputation.

It has been an eye opening week. All of this, I knew, but I never really catalogued it all. I never examined it and what I could do to change what I didn't like. And how much power I have to change it! I realize I can't change what some people think of me because I will never see them again and the reputation I had when they left is the reputation I will always have with them. Sigh. Why can't we all be perfect. Oh, wait. I didn't vote for that plan. :D.

P.S. I guess writing it all down put my thoughts together.