Maybe. I Don't Know.

I'm feeling a little blue today. It is my first day off since Christmas, and I spent it all alone. I think I've spoken to the people who made my food and that's it. I didn't get up until after 2 in the afternoon (I woke up before that, but stayed in bed until I felt hungry). My whole house is kind of messy right now. I know that if I just cleaned up the clutter I would feel better, but instead, I just sat all day long. As I was coming home from picking up dinner (yeah...I didn't even pretend to want to cook today), I thought to myself, that I just have to take today for what it is. It is the post-holiday blues. I don't know if I've ever really experienced this, though. Usually it is such a relief to be done with the holiday shoppers and rush and crankiness that I'm pretty dang happy right about now. But making the choice to be happy and let Christmas be a part of my life again this year had this unexpected consequence. Maybe I feel like this every year, but I have never noticed it before because it is actually a rise in my mood. I don't know. All I know is I was sitting in my living room today after it had gotten dark, I plugged in my tree and felt sad. I felt sad that I would have to pack up these decorations that I had so lovingly put up for not only myself, but for my roommates to enjoy. I probably enjoyed them the most, but it was awesome to see the look on their faces when they first saw them. It was fun to shop for my family and friends and then to give them gifts that I actually enjoyed picking out, feeling that anticipation when they were opened. Would they like them? Would they need the gift receipt I got just in case? (Seriously...get a gift receipt). I think it was a pretty successful attempt. 

So, I can keep the decorations up until New Years Day, then New Years starts and I will focus on my health again like half the nation. Around the first weekend in February, 99% of the people who focused on their health on January 1st will have given up or gone back to bad habits when the Superbowl rolls around, then Valentine's Day, then it's just a long time until spring gets here. Spring will struggle to happen here in Utah, like it does every year...snow...warm...snow...cold...warm...snow...until May. May will be a good month because that is the end of the school year, my birthday, spring, then summer finally shows up, and I can travel without impediments again. Then, summer starts and I have to get used to a swamp cooler again that barely cools the house (when did this year become about me? Oh, yeah...my blog). I will go to work. I will come back home. I will go to movies by myself before school gets out for the year, but once it does, I will stop because then it gets too busy there. Summer will draaaaggggg. If it is a hotter one, like last year, it will be almost unbearable to do anything unless it's work or sitting and trying to stay cool (last summer sucked). I will probably go home to visit my family in Washington at some point during this summer or fall. School starts again. Fall will struggle to get here. Hot...cooler....hot....hotter...cool nights, warm days (look it's fall!)...cool...snow...cold...warm...snow. Then, I will start to get ready for the busy holidays again. 

Why did I write out what my next year is going to look like? Because it is the same. It's not that I crave change, but there is fine line between living and accepting a life you love and falling into a rut. And I don't think I've ever loved or accepted my life. Nothing has turned out how I thought or hoped it might. I know, I know, I KNOW this is one of the big life lessons we all have to learn, but learning it is so hard sometimes. I may make it harder than it needs to be, but I also hate to let things that are dear to my heart...go. For example, I had a really hard time giving up the reason I thought I was here in Utah. I don't know if anyone knows how much my heart hurts at this. Or how lost I have been. You can kind of hear it in the posts I've done this past year or so. They are disconnected. They are trying to find...something...to hold onto. Trying to find a reason. And to hold onto that reason because sometimes that's all I have to get me through another month. But it's never enough to fully satisfy the need and hole inside me. I try to fill the rest with food. Usually later at night. Usually alone. 

Maybe it's not post-holiday blues. Maybe I just feel lonely. Maybe. I don't know.